The Sapphic Christmas

31st December. part 2

Sophie

I've arrived at Ella's exactly at six, as she'd asked. I'm in my pajamas, as agreed, but at the I took normal clothes with me. Just in case. Ella's guests won't be arriving around eight, so we have time to get everything ready. I hope to stop time, just to be together for a little while, alone.

I come to her apartment, after ringing the bell and hearing "come in". The girl's doing something in the kitchen, so I quickly take off my shoes and jacket. I feel kind of awkward in my pajamas at her house. Plus, I don't usually wear pajamas.

I quickly find her kitchen. Unfortunately, I associate this place not with the place where Ella lives, but with our unresolved conflict. I hope it wouldn't happen again this time. In any case, for my part, I'll try to do my best.

"Hi." I speak. The girl turns to me, her face fully covered in baker flour, but I still don't understand what she's doing. Ella seems kind of upset.

"Hi." She kisses me on the cheek. I'm not used to this greeting yet, but I like it. "Have you ever made gingerbread cookies?"

"Yes, are you trying to do it?"

"Yep, but I still have to prepare the equipment and the entire living room, so I'm not sure if I can do it." Only now I notice that she also has very cute pajamas.

"Let me finish your cookies then, and you start preparing the living room." We have decided to divide the responsibilities in this way. I'm making cookies, which are already almost done, and she's engaged in a computer search for music and films, as I understand it.

The girl makes almost perfect cookies, she just forgot to add few ingredients. Having prepared the dough, I quickly roll it out and cut out pieces from it, which I put on a previously prepared baking sheet. When I finish with them, I put everything in the stove, which I've somehow figured out, and set the alarm, return to Ella. Sitting next to her, I've received this question:

"Do you mind watching Home Alone again?"

"Nope, it's fine with me." She smiles. "What are our plans for the evening? Movies, music, board games?"

"Yes, exactly. I don't want to cook big dinner, so we'll put snacks on the table. If someone wants to eat, they all know where the refrigerator is."

"You've really invited only the closest today?" I clarify. It's fine with me either way, but I'd better to be prepared.

"Yes, there'll be only four people, not counting us." I nod, exhaling slightly. "Do you remember about the cookies?"

"Yep". I show her the timer on my phone. We're looking into each other eyes for seconds. I've melted even from that. She wants to kiss me, but I tease her, like I did at my parents' backyard a week ago. I know she doesn't mind, it's just a play. When she pulls me to herself, one of her hands on my neck and the other on my lap I know it's not a joke anymore. I lay on my back, she's on me. I feel a little dizzy when she kisses me for real for the first time in two days. I know we don't have a lot of time until her friends will come, but I don't want to stop on this. Ella leans back, her cheeks are pink, her lips are bright red.

Ella has the exact same projector as the one we had at the rented house. I think now I want one too. When the cookies are ready, we put them on a plate with Santa's team with reindeers' print. It's atmospheric, so similar to my usual Ella.

All the guests come at once, they're exactly the people with whom Ella went to Glasgow (I watched all their vlogs). They're so bright, active, impressive that at first I admired them, and then I realized how pathetic I looked next to them.

Now I see what I really need to leave in the past: my attitude towards myself. I must love myself; I don't want to live in hate all my life. I don't know how, but I have to get rid of it. Everyone should love themselves as they are, because we won't have another body, character, time to live. Okay, we can upgrade it, improve ourselves. Why should we spoil the only thing we have just because someone else is "better"? In fact, there's no one better or worse than us, and happy people understand this. We're all different, and someone may find even your strangest features something beautiful. I knew this all along my journey, but now I feel it's about me too.

The only pity is that self-love doesn't form in a few minutes or seconds. This's hard work, which is much harder than it might seem at first. I know I'll be okay; I'll find my way someday.

"What are you thinking about?" Ella asks as she sits down on the couch with me. She has sent friends to wash their hands, like a mother of her children who had just returned from a walk.

"Well, about the new year and stuff." I take her hand in mine, locking our fingers together. "Will we be together next year?"

"Yes, we will." She squeezes my hand lightly, smiling. Her friends come in the room, but they don't say anything. "Sit where you can find a spot. We've decided we could watch Home Alone and then just turn on the music. Suits everyone?"

"Yes," they've answered in unison, as if on command, and then one of the guys, whose name I don't remember, ask, addressing me:

"Do you mind if I film it?" Ella and her friends are so similar and I fucking love it. This makes it even warmer.

"No problem." But still, out of the corner of my eye, I watch where he puts it, so as not to get caught again.

While we're watching the movie, we hardly speak, but Ella and I hug all the time. This's the best New Year's celebration in my life.

As planned, after the movie, we talk. I've learned a lot about Ella, but it's more like little stories from childhood that we prefer not to remember, which we're constantly reminded by friends. So, we just have a good time together, talk, laugh a lot. I learn that these people are great friends for Ella. They'll definitely always support her and help her. It makes me happy to see that such people exist.

When it's half an hour before New Year's Eve, Ella turns on the television, which is playing some sort of New Year's show I've never seen before. When the clock on tv begins to strike, we pay attention to it. Quickly pouring champagne into glasses, together we count the seconds until the new year.

"Four."

I squeeze Ella's hand.

"Three."

We turn to each other, looking straight into eyes.

"Two."

I lean closer to her, but I don't do anything yet. It is too early.

"One."

My heart hurts sweetly and beats so hard, as if it wants to break free. I lean in closer and kiss her so hard, with all the passion and love I can muster.

"Happy New Year!"