The Sapphic Christmas

14th December. part 1

Sophie

I haven't slept at night and at the morning. Thoughts fill my head after a family dinner. I also looked at Ella's Instagram. A couple of days ago, I've said that I already have a Christmas' mood? Well, now it's been killed. I don't have the strength to restore it now. I want to think about everything that concerns relationships in my family and my own values.

What happened? As I expected, my mother again began to talk about the fact that I needed to spend more time outside the home, found a normal job. They started talking about Ella, and Mom said something like: "She's a very beautiful girl," like she's my last chance. If I miss her, I'll be alone forever. William didn't agree with this, and said, literally: "Sophie isn't worthy of her." He's damn right. Ella is the most beautiful girl I know, she's smart, kind, funny, talented, gorges, I can always laugh with her, but she's also ready to listen if there're any problems.

I was embarrassed that Andy was here with me. Like, can they be nice to me in front of my friend? Of course, he knows everything, but it's not the same when he's in the same room. When I was leaving, he whispered to wait for him in my car. I don't know what happened after and I'm scared to ask. He didn't change his behavior around me, he didn't feel pity to me. I'm grateful for this.

I sincerely do not understand how our conflict with William began. I've said about my coming out already, but is it the only reason? Like, for a week or so he was pretty okay with me being bi. He supported me, said he loved me, but then everything changed. When did it become so serious? Why does he hate me? Will I ever have my big brother back?

Fortunately, now for a while I can take a break from my mother's trips to my house. At least until Christmas, no one will appear in my apartment. It's good news. Yes, I love her, but I don't want to be constantly interfered with in my life.

I have to text Ella back, but now I can't communicate with her the way I used to. This time I've ignored her for 1,5 days, which is the longest we haven't spoken to each other since we've met. I don't know how to start a conversation now. More I think about her, more I feel love for her. I would really like to stop it all, all these chest sensations. It would be amazing if we were best friends who could go somewhere together or stay overnight at each other's houses. It would be great if I knew more about her life.

In fact, I miss the girl, so I watch all her Christmas vlogs that I haven't seen yet. It might have cheered me up if I don't think so hard about unimportant things (and my behavior). For the next two hours, I watch Ella's vlogs that she's filmed in my apartment and after that. It turns out that I lit up there quite a few times when we'd been decorating Christmas trees and everything around. After that, I watch how the Scotland trip has begun and continued. They're not all vloggers, but some also do vlogmas. After finishing with all Ella's video, I go to their pages to get a different perspective on their journey.  Plus, I still miss Ella even though I've seen almost all her videos on her channel.

Vlogmas cheers me up, so I decide to go shopping to find a gift for my grandparents and Andy and have dinner somewhere out of my flat. I don't feel like cooking, so the decision is quite easy to make. On top of that, I feel terribly lonely today, and having dinner by myself is the worst thing for me. It's better not to eat at all. Maybe I can call Andy, but it's kind of too much for me at the moment. We've never spent so much time together since school. I really love him, but he should have a day-off from me.

Snow's falling from the sky in large flakes. To be honest, it's exactly what I've expected so much from the winter. It's snowing every day and looks like a fairy tale.

I'm a little scared to drive in the dark, so I make a shopping list first. I remember I need to buy presents for other friends, because we'll meet soon. They have already agreed on some dates. My time is limited, but I don't want to wind myself up too much in advance. Yes, I didn't like my school years. However, I found pretty good friends there. I think it shows how high my level of survival is, even if I could find pretty good guys in hell.

I'm uncomfortable during my shopping because it seems like all the people are looking at me and judging me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe they all know about Ella's channel (it's quite popular). Anyway, I feel insecure there, but I have to endure as much as possible while I choose gifts.

I want to meet my grandparents as soon as possible. In fact, I'm hoping for their help as well. They've lived much longer than me, so I'd like to get an advice from them on how to survive in our world.

When I enter the pizzeria, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. This time, I don't mean to ignore Ella, but I don't have time to answer. The phone stops the buzzing right away. I know I look stupid now, because I smile at my phone, but I nervously click my phone case. When I'm about to call back, I receive a message from the girl:

"I see you". Raising my head, I look around and meet the gaze of a girl who is sitting in some company of people. These're her friends with whom she went to Scotland, I remember their faces from the videos. I'm embarrassed to approach them, so I texted Ella "Hi", smile when she receives the message and looks at me. I go to the cashier to order small pizza and fries. After some thought, I added a salad to the order. At least something should be healthy.

"Hi." Ella says as she stands next to me. My heart skips a beat, I have forgot how nice it's to be around her: Ella's face, Ella's perfume, Ella's everything. "Are you the Sophie who asked the next day after I left when we could meet? I thought we would at least hug when I got back."

"Yeah sorry." I hug her and put my chain on her shoulder. Her hair smells incredible. I've never seen her so... cheeky? "You've returned early. Weren't you going for a week?"

"Yes, but two of my friends have some problems with their house, so we got back. Besides, I've already started to worry about you. You didn't respond to my messages and calls, wasn't online, completely pulled away. I thought you're killed by now"

"Yeah sorry." I don't want to tell her about any reason for this behavior. Plus, I want to forget about everything and just spend time with her. "Let me buy you dinner as an apology?"

"It would be nice. Tomorrow?" I've been thinking about tonight, but I don't care when it happens. I nod. "Then do you mind coming to my place tomorrow?"

So, we decide that we'll spend the next day together to exchange our news. Except I don't want to share anything bad with Ella. She doesn't need to know about everything that happened, I don't want her to know that one sentence of some children can really hurt me. I want to be happy around her, so... we'll see what happens after.