The Sapphic Christmas

28th December

Sophie

We're just relaxing for the two days, not really doing anything. Of course, everyone has to finish some small to-do lists, and sometimes we help each other in completing them. I still feel pretty awkward being around, I can't even imagine what it would be like without Ella, who is always there. It helps me feel more relaxed when we talk.

Lately, for the first time since Christmas Eve, the overwhelming thoughts have started to come back to me, and I again thought about what those Ella's fans told me in the store, remembered all the fights with my parents, when they said a lot of rude and insulting, hurtful things. In general, I've thought: I really interfere with most of the people. I definitely don't like it, but nothing can be done about the returned hatred and anxiety. I just want to stay in my bed and do nothing all day long. It'd be better if I stayed at home, because now I also have to restrain myself so I won't to say something offensive to my friends and girlfriend, won't to act like a complete fool. Unfortunately, it's hard for me. Some thoughts appear in my head: "They also hate you; they're discussing behind your back all your mistakes. William doesn't want to make things up with you, it was a cruel joke. Andy is tired of you; he stays because you're a part of William's family. I think you'd better stop talking to all your friends, go home right now, quit everything, and stay there until death comes." I really don't want to listen to the voice because I've lived this way before. Yes, I've been okay with this life, but it can't go on like this anymore. Now I know it's okay to spend time with friends or meet people on the street. It's okay to talk, to be extra. It's okay to fight with friends, it's okay to drive away sometimes, until we find our way back to each other. There's nothing wrong or terrible. On the contrary, it leads to amazing consequences that I won't regret in old age. What's the worst thing that can happen in a circle of friends? Nothing. Are you afraid that these people will laugh the hell out of your problems, you or something important to you? Then they're not your friends. The problem isn't in you, you shouldn't overwhelm yourself with these thoughts. Don't forget to be good friends yourself to the people you love, don't ignore them and don't joke about topics that people don't like. We talk about others being toxic, but forget about ourselves sometime.

"Is everything fine?" Ella asks, lifting her head from my chest. I love it when we lie so close, we can literally feel each other's heart beats. At this moment, all doubts regarding our relationship go away. After all, everything is clear, isn't it?

"Yes, I'm just glad you're here." I smile and kiss her on the forehead, but Ella doesn't seem to like that answer.

"Do you think about it with a face full of sorrow and disgust?"

"No, no, it's just..." Can I tell her? "It's just that my usual melancholic state of mind is returning to me." I think that's the best way to describe how I feel. The girl doesn't require explanations, she's not offended. Ella lies back and kisses the skin on my chest. Her gentle touch soothes me a little. Have girls always had an effect on me? It seems not. Of course, I liked them before, but not as much as I do like Ella. I have no doubt that Ella's special.

As a result, I fall asleep, still hugging my girl tightly so that she can't go anywhere. I don't want to wake up alone. It almost works, because I wake up alone on the bed, but Ella is sitting and getting ready in front of a mirror.

"Hi." I say to get her attention.

"Hi." She catches my eyes in the mirror and understand the unspoken question. "We're going to karaoke." She speaks lightly and carelessly

"Oh, then good luck to you." I roll over onto my other side, still not quite awake. Ella's news surprises me a little. The girl walks around the bed and squat down to be at eye level with me.

"You didn't get it. We," she points at herself and me, "and they," the girl points out the door, "go to karaoke. And objections aren't accepted today."

"I can't sing." I say, this's a pretty important skill if you go to karaoke. And I don't have it. I'm so sorry! I so wanted to go into a small room to start panicking there! "Besides, I'll ruin your fun."

"You won't be able to prevent anyone from having fun, because you'll like it too." This argument doesn't convince me much, so my girl goes the other way. "If you don't go, I'll stay too. It makes no sense for me to be there without you. Plus, I think William goes for you too. If you don't go, he stays, so does Andy."

"But you do want to go?"

She thinks for a moment, then nods and continues. "Well, not much. It doesn't matter if there isn't the girl that I've gone on this trip for." Her words are very flattering to me. "So, shall we go or stay?"

"Okay, let's go." I don't want her to spend boring time with me in the house when there's an opportunity to have fun. For lying in bed, we could stay at home. "I'm ready." All I have to do is to put on my jeans, change my t-shirt and put on a sweater. Ella comes closer and kiss me softly. She isn't done with the make-up, but it can wait.

In a few minutes we're ready, and go down to the living room. From every room I hear friends' gathering. Some girl almost yell at her boyfriend because he's somehow wrongly dressed, or she just doesn't like it.

"You have curls in different directions." Ella tries to untangle them with her fingers, but in the end her fingers get tangled in my hair. "Curls suit you. How did you make them so well?"

"I have a secret; I haven't washed my hair in a couple of days. Would you like something to drink?"

"You better not to go there. The dishes can collapse from a sneeze". I don't specify what is wrong there, but this's not necessary. "Look." Ella points to the ceiling, there's mistletoe.

She doesn't have to repeat, I kiss her right away. Damn, my brain is slowly turning off as Ella gets closer and closer to me. At some point, I realize that I've stopped breathing, but it still worries me a little, because there's a beautiful girl next to me with whom I'm in love. We don't have time for something more than kissing.

"Heh, heh, you're not alone." Andy says, coming out of their room. He holds William's hand. "We can go ahead and choose places."

The four of us go ahead, but others quickly get with us, because we've had a snowball fight and lingered. They join us, and at some point, I'm not sure that we'll reach the pub today. Although who cares?