The Sapphic Christmas

23rd December. part 1

Sophie

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"You think I can't forgive you for being queer?" I don't get what he's saying.

"Oh. No, honey. That's not the problem, I know." He smiles at the corner of his lips. I don't know where's he's going with it.

"Okay. Thank you for coming out to me, I really appreciate it. You always used to say that you're straight as hell, what happened?"

"The problem starts here. I met the person years ago; we were kind of friends. When you and I graduated our school, I hooked up with the person. It was drunk mistake, but I liked him a lot. We promised to never talk about it again. I know he liked it too. So, time passed, we had sex without relationship. It wasn't right, I wanted something more, but it's hard for him to accept that he's not straight. We stopped seeing each other for months, to cool off. About a week ago we've met, I thought it was like dinner with friends, but our relationship started again. When you called last time, we were together. I think he's ready for real commitment now."

"Wow, you never told me that. I'm glad he's ready now, but what does it have to do with me?"

"It's William." Oh, okay.

Oh! Fuck. It's my freaking brother, who hated me since my coming out. He was hooking up with my best friend all the time, and at the same time he gave me the hard time to live around him. My best friend knew about it, but didn't do anything.

It's selfish to think about it when Andy just came out to me.

"Well, okay, I'm glad William loves someone beside himself."

"Hey, he loves you. It was hard for him to act normal around you because of us. He wanted to be honest, he was fighting his demons."

Right, Will can't do anything wrong, even Andy thinks that too. Fine. He can take my place on the Christmas dinner. Well, in some way, he already has my place. William can't love us both (in very different ways, but it was love), so he chose Andy from the start. I don't want to be there even more now.

I thank him for his honesty, promise that everything is okay with us (it's not) and say that I want to chill. He doesn't get that I want him to leave, so I say that I need some alone time. Yes, it's rude, but what can I do. I love him, but I feel betrayed.

When he leaves, I go straight to my bed. I don't want to think about anything anymore.

**

I've not received a message from Ella. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don't know where I'm going to spend it. I really don't want to sit at home all alone, but I have no other options left. But, on the other hand, I've spent tonight not in vain: I've found a house where my friends and I can live, we've created a chat and decided to rent it for four days. So now we're definitely on the right way. It's amazing that we have rent it for a regular price, and that it's even available, but most likely someone has canceled their reservation. And I've got to the site just in time. At five o'clock in the morning I've sent an email to the hostel, which owns this place, they answer pretty quickly, and I make a reservation, after which I go to bed.

I get up three hours later, perfectly alert and ready to wait again for a message from Ella. I don't know what I can do, I just watch vlogs from her channel. After some thought, I focus on the Christmas episodes of every TV show I can think of.

In fact, I'm very lonely. Usually, I do something at this time. I always do something on the eve of the holiday, and this year ... I suffer. And this wasn't part of my plans. I hoped to spend time with Andy. I know I still can call him and he'll be at the door in five minutes. However, he'll do it because he's sorry, not because he really wants to spend time with me.

I watch Friends again. I just really like this series, it's a little bit painful. I start watching all the holiday episodes. They're always so warm, uplifting. As it turns out, I didn't get much sleep at night, so I fall asleep on the first episode. It's a little strange for me, usually sleep doesn't mean much to me and after three hours of sleep I can still be active. But today everything is so pressing on me that I just... pass out. And I wake up because my mother has come.

"Hi." She steps into my room, but I'm trying to pretend to be asleep. I don't feel like talking to anyone, especially I don't want to talk to her. "I know you're not sleeping." She put her hand on my legs over the blanket. "We're waiting for you tomorrow for dinner." I don't want to go there. "Grandparents are coming." I've already met them on the week. On the other hand, I don't have any plans. "We'll make your favorite mashed potatoes, vegetables and whatever you want." I really don't have any plans for the day. Might be worth going. No, I'm mad at William, I'm going to lose my shit around him the moment I see him. "We won't talk about any topic you don't like. When you want, you can leave."

"Thanks. I'll come." Maybe she still loves me, and I appreciate her concern. "I'm sorry I had to persuade you." I've been a bit too sentimental lately.

"If you want, bring Ella with you." I shake my head. It seems that my mother gets that I don't want to talk about it. "Good. We'd be glad to see Andy if he's free. Then see you tomorrow?" I think William already invited him.

"Yes. Thank you." I hug her, after which my mother leaves. I don't know why exactly, but now I'm glad that I'm going to dinner tomorrow. Maybe because of the pleasure that they paid attention to me, I don't deny this either. But also, the fact that I don't want to be alone on the holiday. I feel like the Grinch.

After lying down for a while, I fall asleep again and wake up only late in the evening. By that time, the chat where we discuss the trip is filled with messages where they talk about what we need to take or buy. I decide to postpone reading these messages for a while, because, it seems, my intervention and opinion aren't required there. Instead, I look at the lack of messages from Ella. Nothing. She's not really interested in us continuing to communicate, is she? I can understand her. And I hope she likes the painting. Just now I think that I was going to show at the art classes. To be honest, it doesn't matter. Later, I'll draw something new.

There's nothing to do, as always, I want to go shopping. Firstly, several gifts seem to me unfinished (although it only seems so). Secondly, I want to see something extra for grandparents, since I have already presented the main gifts (or just left them in their house). Thirdly, I want to make gingerbread cookies with mulled wine. For this I don't have any food, as well as food in general in the refrigerator. It seems that I don't eat much; I buy a lot of food, but it's still always empty in the refrigerator. So, getting out of bed, as always, I don't look in the mirror, I just pull on a hat, over the hood of a sweatshirt, in which I spend most of my life. Seriously, it's the most comfortable of all the clothes I own.

In my town, I don't particularly like shops, there're almost none. Usually, I go to some nearby cities, but today... I just want to go to London. Yes, it's strange for me, but lately I've been losing my mind. I get into the car, and immediately the same radio turns on again. In fact, I even like it. It's just nice to reminisce at this time. And this year, nothing happened to me better than getting to know Ella. Of course, I'll always be pleased to think about it. How could it be otherwise?

I'm driving and humming songs under my breath, remembering in detail how we decorated my house and the Christmas tree. How she turned on the music, and even how long she chose it to match our mood. I remember how happy she was in the store when she found something that she really liked. Honestly, at times like this, my heart skipped a beat. Or when we woke up in my apartment, or when we chatted, when we talked about completely different topics. I especially love all our trips in the car, because ... she sings beautifully. Because that's how it started.

When it's already dark, I'm in the capital. This time I've decided firstly to go to the Thames, Big Eyes and just walk around the city. Leaving my car in one of the few free parking lots, I walk towards the Thames, but quickly realize that there're too many people. Yes, there're a lot of people all over London, but especially at the tourist spots. So, I leave the main streets and go shopping right away. In any case, this's the main purpose of my visit.

It's not long before Christmas, and even I can feel the Magic already in the air. Snowflakes fall from the sky, creating an even more festive mood. Still, I like this year more than all the previous ones. Including all the experiences and bad words that are still unpleasant to remember, there's much more good memories. So, I'm thankful for this year, I'm glad that I've lived to see this day.