The Sapphic Christmas

4th December. part 1

Sophie

The next day I have to return home, but Ella and I agree to meet this week at least once more. I'm pretty sure both of us enjoyed spending time together. I like to be around her, Ella is warm, cute person with pure soul. It would be great to become friends with her. We have a lot in common and I know I have a crush on her from the first sign. Well, it's more of a "friend crush", let's hope it won't become a problem.

Now I'm driving home. Christmas playlist is played as Ella suggested yesterday. I can't say that it lifts my mood, but I don't change music. It brings back memories about my childhood and school years: opening our presents with William on Christmas morning, dancing with him around the tree, snow fights, writing letters for Santa, exchanging presents with school-friends, first time celebrating holidays with friends. It was natural growing up so fast, one moment we write letters to the magic man, next second we spend more time with friends then with family. Now I miss these days. I should text Andy. I know it's not easy to be friends with me, when I'm depressed and it's hard to be around sometimes. However, he's still there for me.

When I was little, we celebrated Christmas with the whole family. Grandparents, uncles and aunties, their children, close family friends came all together under one roof. On Christmas Eve morning, all the children watched movies such as Home Alone and Elf. Mothers were starting to cook. Dad and the other men of our house went into the yard and usually they played snowballs, but they had to prepare firewood for the fireplace. I want to note that we have never had a serious division by gender: if a man wanted to cook, he cooked, if a woman wanted to prepare firewood, then she went into the yard with everyone. Nobody forced anyone to do anything. The only thing is that the children weren't asked in the morning what they want to do, but we were fine with it. In the afternoon we went together to some park or to the cinema, as a result of which we had lunch in some cafe and then the family diner comes. I really loved this very much.

I don't feel such joy as an adult, it's like we grew apart. Last Christmas I spent at my parents' house, but before that I'd spent two years with friends. I feel that something has changed in two years. Maybe childhood memories are just brighter than reality is.

This year I'm not going to the family gathering. I've already said that I would celebrate with my friends from art school (this isn't true). After our last family dinner, I have realized that I can't be around them more an hour. They're toxic, they always talk about my mistakes and ask about future husband. They know I'm bi, but they ignore it. William is always silent. He used to protect me from the whole world. I was his little sister, his little princess. I don't think this's how family dinners should look like. Or is it just me? Maybe everyone in the world is like that, and I used to see everything through rose-colored glasses. I don't want to screw my childhood memories, so it's easier to have some distance.

I make little breaks from driving for few times because I feel like I might fall asleep. At the time, I check new messages. There're two unread ones. Mom says that I should call her when I arrive. It looks like I'll get another lecture about my mental struggles, along the lines of: "We're worried about your life. Take an example from your brother. Grow up already, find a normal job." I don't want to hear it anymore.

Ella's sent a video message from yesterday how the seagulls tried to take her Fish&Chips on the beach. I smirk, it's nice to receive messages from her. My heart skips a beat when she smiles to the camera. It feels like she's actually in front of me, we sit at the beach side by side. I should stop this crush, right? Clearly, she's not that into me, and I don't want to make awkward situations. At least I have a chance to be friends with her, it's more than I could dream about.

Yesterday while Ella and I were walking, she also shot quite a lot. However, she didn't say a word about me, who was with her all the time. To be honest, it's not a big deal for me, but... it's like she's embarrassed by me. I think I'm overthinking it. If only there's a way to stop it.