his weakness

51| ache.

K E N Z I E

Remaining in that hospital felt stifling, suffocating with pain. As I hurry out into the pouring rain at the car park, my body feels a slight release from the overwhelming emotions. The sky wears a hue of purple-blue, almost as if it senses today's sorrow. There are no stars in sight, just the heavy downpour. I walk and walk, letting the rain soak me, uncaring of how drenched I become.

I don't know where I want to go, what I want to do but feeling lost and directionless, the only instinct I have is to escape. Walk away as far away from here, I don't ever want to step foot into this hospital.

I feel numb. Livid. Sad. Lost. And tired. The rest of the emotions are something I can't put into words. It's all confusing. Just like everything else. My mind is telling me to end it with Nolan soon. And when I say soon, I mean the next time I see him.

But why? Why am I feeling the urge to add more to this crazy pain? Something that I've never felt.

My time to think of what I should do next is interrupted as I feel a familiar hand grab me by the arm, forcing me to turn and face them.

Nolan brings me close to him and stares into my eyes so intently as the thunderous lightning goes off loudly,  I do the same back. We both look at each other, he seems as if he's trying to wonder what's going through my head. And I'm wondering if I should break his heart now.

It seems like the right moment, despite him still not telling me he loves me. Today has been excruciating, and I'm not sure I can bear more pain later on. Ending things now feels like the best choice to make.

"I know this must be a lot for you, Kenzie. But trust me, running away from your problems isn't going to help." He sighs, as if he's hurting to see me like this. Fuck, this is going to be so hard. But I need to. Not just for him but for my sanity as well. Although I'm sure either way I'm going to go crazy.

I know Nolan wants me to understand where he's coming from and I do. But this life is too much. And I can't believe I'm having to do this right after losing my.. god it hurts to even think about.

"You should just go." I manage to say, clutching onto my emotions tightly, trying not to crumble. The rain masks the tears streaming down my face, offering a bit of ease  as I struggle to maintain composure.

"What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere." The puzzled look on his face says a lot. He has no idea what's about to come out of mouth.

Both him and I are drenched. But neither of us seem to pay any mind. The only thing that I find comforting right now is the rain. It's going to help cover all the tears that are going to come running down my face any second. The entire car park is empty with no people and a few cars since it's nearly midnight. Ambulances are parked right outside the entrance. Bright hospital lights illuminate the area, but they don't help me see Nolan's face clearly in the darkness of the night.

The only sources of light and noise are the very few passing cars on the road along with the tall street lamps casting faint vision. It's the fact that he came after me, all he wants to do is be there for me but I can't even let him do that. He's done enough for me and I can't accept it anymore. He shouldn't be taking care of me, wasting his time when in the end, none of it will matter. 

I should and need to put an end to our relationship. Which I have enjoyed every single of. God, this is like really painful. My throat is starting to literally throb.