After Forever

chapter 14

Tessa

His hands start to literally tremble and he has moved from the stool to the couch where he is hunched over with his head in his hands just shaking.

I realized I have been pretty numb this whole time and I haven't left that same spot at the end of the bed. I'm in shock at all that I have found out and to think he hasn't even told me the worst part is crazy to me. What could it be? I wonder.

I decide to go sit next to him on the couch. I grab his hands and pull them away from his face.  His hands are still shaking. I hold them in mine trying to get them to stop, and I just tell him that it's okay.

He finally starts to speak again, "besides those that know what happened I have never talked about this."

I assure him again "its okay." and he has since leaned over to the other side of the couch away from my hands.

He begins telling me finally "After I wrote those notes I went into my old room, and i laid down for a little trying to make the feeling go away, but it didn't. I grabbed the bag from Marcos and I also grabbed my phone, I had your number dialed, and I quickly changed my mind when my thoughts immediately went to how pathetic I was, and so I put my phone down took the pills out unscrewed the bottle and I took them. I took them all."

"I woke up 5 days later in ICU, my mum and dad were there. I guess I couldn't even kill myself right." he says.

All i can do is cry, I just start balling my eyes out, he is super far away from me on the couch and I just pull myself over to him and wrap my arms completely around him and just cry.

He says "i'm sorry". I am surprised by this. "why are you sorry?" i ask still crying.

"this is too much, i was really messed up" he says.

"i wish i knew, and could have helped you" I say

"everything happens for a reason" he says.

He realized I wasn't stopping my crying so he tries to be positive. "Some good came of it, I went back to rehab this time for 90 days, I got every kind of therapy imaginable, and finally dealt with my PTSD from what happened to my mom, and got anger management, and I have been clean ever since. I guess almost dieing,  kind of changes a person." he says.

All that keeps replaying in my head is Hardin tried to kill himself and I had no idea. and i was spending those days thinking he was enjoying his life without me with different girls and probably just had it all, and he was literally dieing.

"are you okay now?" I ask but scared for the answer.

He replies "Yes I am good now, every show is hard because the temptation is there but most people know."

"Show?" I question.

"Yea I'm touring now (mostly festivals)" He says reluctant to tell me more.

"Touring? Wow? Exciting...why does it seem like you don't want to talk about it?" I ask confused.

"Idk my life is going from city to city and playing shows till 2am, it's a different lifestyle and I'm proud of my music but it's a lot for most people" he says.

"Are you producing?" I ask.

"Yea, I DJ, produce and write." He says

"That's really great Hardin." I say

He wasn't kidding when he said it's a lot. He is a music superstar in London and I sit at a desk all day.