(Repeat Riverside By Agnes Obel)
Zhavia's Point Of View
Sunday
October 18, 2016
Hear me out, I'm not saying I don't think god isn't real, but I do believe everyone in this church is super delusional. Half of these people come here just so they can take all the guilt of they build up through the week and 'wash' it off. The other half are just forcing themselves to believe there is something other than nothing after we die.
Truth is life doesn't work like that. You can't wipe away your guilt once a Sunday, and there is nothing after we are gone. The sooner we grasp that concept the better. We all stand at the alter praying. Heads down, hands held, eyes closed. I open one eye looking around at everyone as we all hold hands and the pastor prays.
I stop looking around when the lady who's hand I'm holding looks at me. "I'm praying for you young Zhavia, I sense you're caring a great deal of stress on your shoulders." She whispers winking at me, no shit... this lady? She's like the one percent of people in this church. The percent who actually has a gift. She's always scaring me how was she can just sense things you're feeling.
"Thank you sister Elis." I smile closing my eyes again. Dear god if you're out there floating in a cloud somewhere.. please help me. I ignored Grayson all yesterday and didn't respond to him this morning. I really, really, I mean really don't want to tell him about the kiss for so many reasons. One I don't want to see them fight, two this would be the second kiss we've had, Cam would definitely never concider being my friend again, and three Grayson will nine times out of ten over react.
I also can't stand the thought of lying. One I want him to trust me, two I hate the pit that sits in my stomach with the thought of saying nothing, three I want him to know it meant nothing. I didn't even know what was happening until it was happening. I'm screwed from both ends. My only other option is to just act like it didn't happen.
"Amen, you are dismissed. I hope to see you all back next Sunday. I mean all of you." He looks at my dad. We come to church about every other Sunday. I check my phone as we're on our way out the church to see more messages from Grayson... he's making it abundantly clear that I cannot just ignore him.
Grayson<3
Morning
(Yesterday 8:13 a.m.)
Wanna go for a run together?
(Yesterday 11:16 a.m.)
Hello..?
(Yesterday 4:42 p.m.)
Did I do something?
(Yesterday 4:43 p.m.)
I thought our date went well.. why are you avoiding me?
(Yesterday 5:10 p.m.)
Zhavia
(Today 8:55 a.m.)
Just went by your house no one answered, whats wrong?
(Today 9:24 a.m.)
Sorry, I was at church...
Don't lie to me it's insulting
Grayson, I'm deadass, I've been at church.
Since yesterday? What's really going on?
Nothing.
__
"So, you wanna tell me why you and Cameron haven't been talking?" My dad starts the car, trying to make conversation... "I kissed Grayson." I say not even knowing I was going to... tell the truth? Well at least I didn't have to lie. "I had to have misheard you. You kissed Grayson?" He focuses on the road, but I know he wants to look at me. As far as my dad knows I've kissed and dated one boy, a different story for a very different day.
Although I'm telling him the truth I'm sure as hell not telling him that I had sex with Grayson. He thinks I'm a virgin who is saving myself for marriage. I feel like deep down he knows that's definitely not true. He let me get an IUD, granted he thinks it's just a 'period stopper'. "Yes, and now we're sort of dating I guess. It's a long story, but-"
"But nothing, you're breaking it off with him and apologizing to Cameron. That's that period." My eyes widen and I crack a smile. Period? "Period? Dad I am not breaking up with him because she doesn't like it."
"You're right, you're doing it because I said so." Since when I'm the hell does he get to make a decision like that? "And you're saying so because?"
"Cameron doesn't like it-"
"So you're on her side?!"
"Let me finish. It's her brother, she's your best friend. I'm on your side I always am. You're throwing your friend ship away for a boyfriend, baby those come and go. You will regret risking your friendship for him when it doesn't work." I scoff at the sound of this. He acts like that's the only solution, the other solution could simply be, I don't know. Say her excepting that we make each other happy. I am very aware that it may crash and burn.
I am a very logical person, but I also know when to listen to my heart. "Dad, no disrespect at all, but I'm not breaking up with him. I don't even know if I want to be her friend. She lied to me, manipulated me into hating Ethan and Grayson both-"
"You chose to not like them, she can't make you hate someone."
"True, you are so very right. But she knew that I trusted her and everything she said. So when she told me the countless horrible things they apparently said I believed her. Dad she made all the things she was saying up! And she didn't even care if I got hurt in the process. All she saw was that it was keeping me away from her brothers. She didn't see that it was scarring me as a person to think that someone is saying that about you. She didn't care that it led to me treating both her brothers like crap. On top of it all she went through my phone. The cherry on top is she thinks I'm some kind of self destructive bitch because I don't have a mom. So no, I won't break up with him. Not for you, her or anybody!" I don't even realize how defensive I had gotten until I was done.
He doesn't even know half the crap I put myself though, or that on top of it all my mother is giving me late night phone calls. Grayson is one of the only thing that makes me feel even an ounce of happiness.
"She really said the mom thing..?" I totally ran past that, I didn't even know I said it. I sit back in my seat and exhale before speaking up.
"To me and Julissa both. Dad I shouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. She broke Julissa and I sat back and watched, I won't be let it happen to me-"
"Z, you and Cameron didn't 'break' Julissa. She needed help and she got it-"
"Yes but we didn't help the hole she was falling down. I knew something was off and I didn't help her because Cam was constantly telling me. 'She just wants our attention because I won't forgive her for dating Gray-' never mind forget it." No no no, I've really done it now.
"Julissa and Grayson dated?"
