(Repeat Riverside By Agnes Obel)
Zhavia's Point Of View
Monday
October 19, 2016
"You're ignoring me..." Ethan comes up to me taking a seat in the stool next to me, we've been in last period, chemistry for like ten minutes. The lab tables are grouped in pairs of two I usually sit alone because I work better that way. So him coming to sit beside me is not normal. "Not ignoring, just not acknowledging." My eyes stare at the lab sheet we were given to do, not bothering to look up at Ethan.
"Fair, I shouldn't have kissed you." I sharply turn my head toward him giving him a look, is he crazy?! Saying that shit out loud... "Shh geez not so loud, but you're right and I accept your-"
"Let me finish, I shouldn't have but I don't regret it. I don't regret it because I know I'm in your head. You didn't tell my brother..." I shrug my shoulders giving him a 'so what' type look.
"I didn't tell him because it doesn't change anything for he and I. I don't want you two arguing or fighting. I care about him, I care about you."
"And that's the real reason you didn't tell him." He smiles, believing what he's saying but he's wrong. "As a friend Ethan. I care about you as my friend. I want you to stay my friend so can we please move on from this?" He hesitates for a moment, but finally nods. Thank god, I really think we could make great friends, I missed him.
"But know this, when Grayson messes up, because he will. Remember that I told you so." He keeps a straight face, my eyes roll at this. "I trust Grayson."
"Then you're not as smart as I thought you were. It's fine, you'll learn. You always do..."
__
"You're doing the right thing, in not telling him I mean. If it didn't mean anything don't make it into anything." I had to spill to Julissa, I had to tell someone. Granted I didn't tell her the kiss was with Ethan. Just that it was some guy. She's sitting on my couch and I'm on my bed. "I'm sorry if this is like weird for you.." She shrugs unbothered, does that mean it's not?
"I mean it's definitely weird, but I have to face reality. We aren't fourteen anymore and I was gone, you two got close. I just felt like he was my one, he was the only one who..."
"Who what? If you don't mind me asking." I put my hands up, she takes a deep breath before she speaks again. "Who helped me feel like life was worth something. I was going through so much back then Z."
"You know you can talk to me about it right? You don't have to I just, I would like to know. I was so scared for you Jay and I wanted to help you, and when you were being taken away in that ambulance I felt like I failed you." My stomach begins to turn thinking about how I felt, thinking she was dead, thinking the worse.
She stays quiet for a good minute. "All my life, my dad had expected me to be perfect. At first it was like I was to him, no matter what I did it was amazing in his eyes. But when I mom died he put so much pressure on me, I mean it was almost unbearable. I always told myself to be positive until I just couldn't. He was drinking, and one night he said something that I'll never... I'll never uh..." Her voice becomes shaky, like she's trying not to get too emotional.
I hop down from my bed and move to my couch hugging her, comforting her. "It's okay Jay, you don't have to tell me..."
"No, I want to. He told me what I always thought deep down inside but never considered until I herd him say it. He told me it was my fault, that she did it on my birthday because I was the reason she didn't want to live anymore. When he said that to me I gave up, I believed it and I started to spiral. It hurt me that I started to drift from you and Cam. Grayson helped one night, I was crying in the bathroom and he found me, held me Z. He calmed me down and eventually I just... I fell for him. When you and Cam found out I hated myself more than ever."
"I'm sorry that I didn't help you the way I should have. Cam was just so pissed and I didn't want it to seem like I was taking sides. I should have been there for you." She shakes her head 'no'.
"You couldn't have helped what I was going through. It wasn't just that. My dad's fiancé clearly didn't like me either. That night I mixed some pills with some alcohol and I OD'd but not on purpose. I thought about suicide, but I didn't want it to end. I just wanted to stop hurting. I missed her so much- I do miss her. I was drinking and getting high to ease the pain. The only person who knew was..."
"Grayson, Grayson knew and he didn't tell any of us?" My body starts to feel hot, hot with anger, irritation. I get it he was her boyfriend but me and Cam were her best friends. "I begged him not to, he thought I had it under control I told him I stopped. Z, there was nothing anyone could have done. I didn't want help." She shrugs, I'm just so glad that she's okay now.
She has a really big heart, she had to grow up faster than the rest of us. "Thank you for telling me, I know you didn't have to. I'm sorry what Cam said the other day too. She was just pissed at you for not being pissed enough at me. She didn't mean it."
"You say that like she didn't say it to you too. I get it, she's just mad at us because she feels like she's loosing you to Grayson. She probably feels alone. You remember what it was like when we were younger, she always felt like a third wheel." This is the first time I'm hearing of this, I thought Cam liked that there was three of us.
"She felt like a third wheel?" She nods answering me. "Yeah, all the time. I mean looking around I get it. Her parents have each other, Ethan and Grayson are a different level of close. She told me she felt like some times she'd loose me and you. She thought we'd stop hanging out with her, because we understand the pain of not having our moms around." Not gonna lie, I've been feeling like I'm justified to be pissed at Cameron.
I didn't realize she was afraid of loosing her friends. Now it kind of makes sense. "I should talk to her shouldn't I.." I sigh coming to this realization.
"Probably..."
