crimson veil of the moon

silent cry

"Lian!! Lian!!" 

"LIAN!!" 

I almost jolted awake, who the fuck is annoying me this early in the morning? 

"YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF DRESSED YOUNG MAN!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT'S THE TIME?" 

It's mom of course who else it would be? i mean it's not like i have any friends. 

"Mom, can you please like not shout at like 6 in morning?" i replied as I forced myself out of bed. There is something about normal that pisses me off so much, the same old crap every fucking day, such a mediocre routine i have to follow every fucking day just so i can  prove to others that I am educated? What a joke. Well isn't it too early in the morning to even ponder over such nonsense but i can't seem to help it when I have practically all the time in the world. 

"Lian, aren't Feng Xin and Mu Qing going to pick you up in the morning?" 

"Please spare me the horror mother, i prefer not to begin my day with their nonsensical crap."

"I thought you guys were friends?" 

"we're not okay? So i'll be taking my leave now." i replied.

"Lian, at least greet your dad before leaving, have you even had a decent conversation with him in the past week?" 

For some reason i happen to hurt a bit from that question, for i had almost forgotten about his existence I mean what's there to remember someone who isn't free enough to spend time with his only son, who am i even kidding i bet he doesn't even know my age. It's always the more appropriate option to not have any expectations, it always leads to disappointment. 

"The day he is able to tell my correct age, i might consider it." I couldn't help but notice the melancholy on my mother's face as she registers my answer but i wish to ignore it. I move forward to give her a soft hug and proceed to leave for school. "I'll see you in the evening mum, take care." 

The breeze is unpleasantly pleasant today, the way i walk under the clouds of my doubts, the silent noise of the cars, as i walk past hundreds of stories left unheard, i wonder if one day i would be able to walk past the silence, the unbearable silence, certainly what I have is freedom with nobody to question me, nobody to have expectations to, nobody to listen, but do I really want it? Even if i do i would never show it for i have always encountered anguish in return, i would never make the same mistakes twice, never stand in the same waters again. 

I found myself taking a different route to school today, not the usual, the unusual. It was the longer route, i would always prefer the shortcuts in that way i can reach early, i wouldn't have to be dragged in crowds of rats or be asked a million questions by the teachers. But today i couldn't care less, i kept on walking, walking past the scenery of withered flowers, overbearing sun, is it even sunny? I couldn't focus. It was cloudy, all of it was cloudy, i can't decipher what I feel today, Loneliness? Sadness? Grief? Indifference? i don't know. But i knew the bench, that empty bench across the park, was calling out to me, an inanimate object calling out to me? interpret it however you wish but i knew it was. 

I kept my bag which felt too heavy today, maybe it's just my emotions weighing down my sanity. In moment of inescapable silence, i chose music, the thought of choosing the perfect song for this imperfect moment was calming. I found myself listening to stray kids' silent cry, it just felt the right song, I don't have even the slight intension to listen to anyone's silent cry but maybe just maybe if i listen to my cry for help, i just might be able to help myself.