crimson veil of the moon

detest devotion

my crimson tears to his crimson eyes, I couldn't fathom that I had my first kiss, it felt disgusting, it was unasked for, I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, I didn't need, I hated it.

it's not that I wasn't well versed with my own sexuality, I am self aware, I knew i was gay ever since I was a kid.

It's not that, what troubles me, pains me, sickens me, it's that i liked the way it felt.

I had never felt something like this in my life ever before, his soft lips, the perfect harmony of our kiss, it was divine.

But I ran away, even though it felt like heaven, I again manipulated myself that it wasn't what I wanted. I confused myself again and just like that I was at my place, how I reached here I don't recall, wasn't there anyone at the school to stop me? I don't fucking recall anything. I just remember how fast I ran away, just like I how I run away from myself.

"Lian?!! Why are you home so early?!"

I ignored her, I ran to my room, locked it. And fell to the ground.

"Lian don't forget what you promised to yourself, you will never fall in love."

"DON'T FUCKING FORGET IT YOU DUMB FUCK!!!"

Tears rushing out from my eyes.

"My darling Lian, who would have thought ,I leave you for 5 days and you get yourself a lover. Interesting!!"

"y-you"

"long time no see, what did we decide upon last time, no friends,no lover, and no happiness."

"I know, it's my fault, I'll be more careful Next time."

"My darling Lian, the next time you repeat this I'll make sure your so called "lover" will see how pathetic you are. Remember you aren't worthy of love, you are only worthy of pain."

"I know, now leave."

"my pleasure, see you next time my sweet little Lian"

I find myself wiping my tears away, I always know it, I had always known it, I am not meant for these worldly things or pleasures. Love ? What is love but not mere pain. What are friends ? If not shadows.

If I let myself loose guard the next time, who knows what he'll do. No, it's what I'll do.