AFIRE

The Right Time : 09

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MAINE's POV

Piece of my Heart
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow and see you play with your first toy
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don't they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those months we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds

//

I watched as they lowered the little casket. Tears kept flowing from my eyes as I bid goodbye to my little baby boy one last time. I felt my husband hold me close, his warm hands wrapped around me.

I can still feel him kicking inside my womb. I reached out with my two hands to feel my now, empty, flat belly. And the tears just kept falling.

Where did I go wrong?

We, I prayed from this baby for so long. And to have him taken away from me just like that, is devastating and heart wrenching to say the least. I felt like a huge chunk of my soul was ripped away from me. My baby, my precious little baby..is gone..forever.

It's never gonna be the same again. I'm never gonna be the same again.

I never got the chance to witness his firsts; his first look, first coo, first cry, first smile, first laugh, first word, first walk, all of it. I will never be able to witness all of it. And I will never see him grow up. I will never be able to send him to school, teach him how to read or write. I will never be able to heal his first wound, or ease the pain of his first bump. I will never be able to watch him ride a bicycle or play with his toys. I will never be able to see him riding his dad's shoulders or climb a tree. I will never be able to meet his classmates in school or see him play with them. I will never be able have the chance of him telling me about his first crush or watch him go to prom. I will never be able to his first medal or even see him graduate and pursue his dreams. All of these, were taken away from me and my husband in just a flash.

As the ceremony ended, everyone extended their condolences. But it didn't lessen the pain. It was too much to bear. My heart is full; full of sadness, despair and painful grief.

I felt my husband's hands intertwine with mine as we were the only ones left in the cemetery. We asked everyone to leave, as we wanted to have some alone time with our little angel.

Rj was still sobbing, as he looked down, and said,

"Baby Boy, I'm sorry that you never got the chance to see this world. I will forever regret the day I wasn't beside your mom that fateful day. But please, know this. I love you very much, and God knows how much I long for your tiny little fingers wrapped around mine. Dearest little angel, rest with Daddy God. Always know you'll always be here in my heart."

Then, I followed.

"Good bye little one. I only had the chance to hold you once, and it devastated me because you were lifeless. It still hurts, it really really hurts. But I know that you're in God's loving arms now. Don't worry baby, the pain will eventually go away. But my heart and my thoughts will always be with you. I love you little angel. Please watch over us. We miss you and love you."

I couldn't contain my emotions. I succumbed to the pain and fell into Rj's arms. It was all more than emotional pain, it is also physical. No not because of my stitches or wounds. I still felt him inside of me, but..gone. It's inexplicably the most painful and cruelest torture I have ever experienced.

"Rj, I'm sorry for blaming you. Hindi mo to kasalanan. It's my fault. I was too clumsy kaya I fell down the stairs. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for losing our baby."

"Sshhh. Shhh. Love. I should've been there. I should've been beside you, taking good care of you. I'm sorry I wasn't a good husband or father."

"I can't.. I can't bear this. He's really gone.."

"I know. I know. But God has a bigger plan. I know he does. We can get through this. I love you Maine..."

And I felt his voice turn into whispers..

"Maine..Maine..Maine.."

And then, I woke up........