If Time Stands Still

70- losing my mind

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Zayn's POV

"Hey, I didn't know you came out here for a smoke break." Brea, the new intern approaches me.

I close my eyes to hide my eye roll, slowly exhaling a puff of smoke, "Yeah, I just needed a moment to collect myself."

"Patients driving you crazy?"

"Mhm." I bring the cigarette to my lips, leaning back against the wall.

I hate that I'm smoking so much again. It's only been a week and I've burnt through two packs already. It's a nasty habit that I just can't seem to break and I hate that it worsens when I have nothing else to put my energy into.

"Can you light me up?" She steps closer, cig between her lips, but I hand her the lighter instead as to not entertain her overly friendly tendencies.

Once she's handed it back to me, I kill the end of my bud and head off to the other side of the facility. For the past few days, smoking and roaming have been the only things I've really been doing since I made the conscious decision to not check my phone during working hours. I'll only find myself going down an Aylin-related rabbit hole that would distract me from my duties.

But now I'm thinking about her again anyway. Ugh. It's not like I ever stop.

It's only been a week since we broke up, but I'm losing my fücking mind. I don't necessarily regret my decision, but I do wish I handled certain things better.

Because of my stubbornness, I don't know anything about the move. I don't know when she leaves or if she already has. I don't know anything about the job or where in New Zealand she'll be. I don't know if she'll be living alone or with a roommate. I don't know if she's okay or if she's having a hard time adjusting to the breakup too.

I know. I broke up with her, so I'm not entitled to know any of those things... but just because we're no longer official doesn't mean I can automatically stop caring about her.

I've even considered reaching out to Luna to ask when Aylin's leaving, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't know if Aylin has told her family about what happened yet. I don't need her hating me more.

Besides, Luna texted me a few days ago asking when I can teach her to drive since I promised I would. That means she doesn't know, right?

Unfortunately, I had to ignore it. That was a day after Aylin came over, so I didn't know how to respond. I hate that I'm ignoring her. I don't want Luna hating me either. I don't want any of the Kara's hating me because of my decision.

I know Aylin doesn't understand it right now, but she will. Long distance isn't for everybody and I fall part of those people. It's definitely not for someone like me. I know that I can be too needy sometimes, so when we're apart, I'd just annoy her more. I didn't want us to end up resenting each other eventually, but I didn't do the greatest job with the breakup anyway. What I was trying to prevent, I made happen.

There's nothing I can do to fix anything. There's a lot of things that I could and should have done differently. We could've ended things better. I should've heard her out. But it's too late now.

Never would I have thought that we would be on bad terms like this.

...

There's no surprise that sometimes I make questionable decisions when I'm upset.