BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2017

Chapter 35- Bon Voyage Season 2 | Episode 4

April 12th, 2017:

We had gone to see the stars at a nearby oratory. We all made wishes and I quietly wished for "happiness". I knew I was happy and had it right now, but I wanted the happiness TV shows and movies sold. I wanted the happiness without the court cases and the stalkers. Maybe it was naive of me, that kind of happiness didn't exist, especially as an idol, but I wanted to believe one day I might achieve it.

After, we were driven to a new location where we would be staying at an Airbnb-type stay. It was late at night and we all just wanted to go to sleep. However, we had to play a lengthy game of rock, paper, scissors to determine the room allocation. We had decided beforehand that I'd sleep alone in the living room on the couch while the king bedroom would have three of them sleeping in it to make the room management much easier.

Once everyone had taken their things to their rooms, I opened my suitcase and grabbed my skincare and hair-care bags to the bathroom before any of the boys could monopolise it. When I'd finished, I went right back to the living room where someone had put a blanket and pillow on the couch. I set it up on the couch and lay down. I tried falling asleep, but this couch was possibly one of the most uncomfortable pieces of furniture I'd ever slept on, and considering I'd slept on some god-awful couches, this was saying something. It was a stiff leather and despite my skinny frame, I was about to fall off when I turned over. Aside from the uncomfortable nature of the couch, I just felt depressed. There wasn't anything specific, I was just down, almost as if I was looking for something to be sad about it felt. I think I needed a proper break; this wasn't truly a vacation. We were being filmed and had a hectic set schedule. I felt like I needed some extended time to truly be "off" and not have to worry about anything. But I knew that wouldn't be happening and needed to find a way to manage this depressive phase without seeking the impossible. My next therapy session was for sure going to be loaded.

I finally fell asleep and instead of a nightmare, I dreamt of what could only be described as a depressive-mare. My life was crashing around me, it was scandal after scandal and I was kicked out of the group, and then my whole family died, and I was left hated and alone. Everything was out of my hands, and I was left reeling and hopeless unable to stop or mitigate any of it.

I woke up rather suddenly and realise I had been crying in real life. Tears were streaming down my real cheeks. I sit up on my arms and see Jungkook was sleeping on the floor next to me. Namjoon's snoring probably sent him looking for a quieter space to sleep. I wipe the tears from my eyes and cheek trying to make it seem like I hadn't just woken up crying. The sun was just rising, and I thought I should get a head start on the bathroom. I lie back down for a minute setting myself up for the day to come. When I properly sit up my heart stopped for half a second because I hadn't expected Jungkook to have woken up and to be staring at me.

"You good?" he asked, yawning slightly.

"Yeah, fine," I respond, "what are you doing here? Namjoon oppa snoring too loud?"

"... You were crying," he says, looking at me carefully, "I could hear you from the room. I thought you were awake, but then when I came to check up on you, you were fast asleep. So I decided to stay to make sure you weren't alone if you woke up".

"Oh... ok... well I'm fine, it was just a dream," I smile, "you really didn't have to sleep on the floor... thanks though".

He just smiles as he gets up.

"I'm gonna go shower," I say standing up as well, "you can get some sleep on the couch if you want".