BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2017

Chapter 111- Dying Wish

December 25th, 2017:

I had basically shut down since the funeral. My sister had left me alone since the 22nd because she was flying home for Christmas with Kevin. I'd spent the morning with the boys after my unusually early physio appointment to give the physio the rest of the day with their family. It was nice to be with the boys as they rehearsed and fooled around. It was a nice mental reprieve as the guilt from Jonghyun's death and my possession of his works kept weighing down on my mind and conscious.  

However, the boys had gone home for the afternoon to spend a few hours of Christmas with their families. I think we all needed time with our families after such a hectic couple of months, especially the boys who had been working so hard recently. I, however, was left alone in my apartment. I wasn't mad about it though. I wanted to be alone. It was nice being alone. And it's not like I wasn't completely alone, I had Inigo. 

I was re-reading for the umpteenth time all of the works that Jonghyun had sent me. I'd compiled them together, along with mine, seeing what it would look like if I did publish. And my works were absolute children's play next to his. It was pathetic. I bit my lip as I read trying yet again not to cry. 

The Poet's Soul

The poet must burn many fires,

but many fires burn him,

consume the ember of his soul

and blackening, grow dim—

Still in the ash, he plants a seed

that with the flood will grow

not blessed flower, but gnarled root

down to the ground below. 

(Originally by Meghann Kaiser)

Granted, I'd only received the more obvious ones the day before he died, but still. Had I checked my emails. Had I done something more. Who knows, maybe he would still be with us today. Maybe I would have gotten an email back.

Monsters Are Home

You are my home.

But I know too well, that even a home can house monsters.

But monsters can be friends. Monsters can,

be company in the darkness. Darkness the enemy of many,

but becomes friend when foe becomes companion.

Monsters can be home. 

Monsters the companions of darkness. 

Darkness, friend, foe, you are my home.

(Inspired by Simonne Stellenboom "Monsters at Home")

I knew I shouldn't be thinking like this. But to see thousands of fans reeling from the news, feeling like they could have done more, I couldn't help but know I truly had the power to do more. As I read, a part of me didn't want to publish these in order to keep the memories of a happy Jonghyun in the minds of these fans. Some of these poems were too much. It destroyed me to think they came from Jonghyun's mind. I couldn't imagine how hurt, saddened, and betrayed how he must have felt when writing them, but also how fans would feel if they read them. They were beautiful, but painfully so. 

Prickling

The prickle of the Rose is the affection of the beautiful.