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Yesterday, I struck up a conversation at work with my friend and colleague Richard Hurtz. Richard is a giant of a man. He stands seven-feet tall and originally hails from Australia. He's also the proud graduate of an Ivy-League institution. If I were a woman, I'd much rather have sex with Mr. Hurtz than me. Compared to him, I'm nothing but a sorry piece of shit.
He said, "How are things with you and your wife?"
I smiled and clapped my hands. "Not good."
"Worse than before?"
I took a sip of coffee. "I wouldn't say worse. The whole situation is completely bizarre. She's been gone since July, and now she's suddenly at my humble abode cleaning the apartment. She's also scrubbing the tub and washing the clothes."
"I noticed that Larry isn't in school today."
I nodded. "He's with his mother. She's going to take him to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday."
"I don't mean to pry, but is she staying?"
I shook my head. "No, she's leaving tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm not exactly sure when she'll make her final exit."
He patted me on the shoulder. "Hang tough. Things will get better."
"That's what they told General Custer right before the Indians hacked off his nuts with a rusty tomahawk."
He laughed and left the room. So I finished my coffee while listening to Pink Floyd on YouTube. I used to worship Pink Floyd as a teenager, and I soon discovered why I had to cut back drastically on the consumption of their music. They're the most depressing band in the history of the universe. After rocking to the song Mother, I suddenly had the urge to jump right out the fucking window. Yikes. From this point forward, I'm sticking to the Bee Gees.
Later that morning, I called my mom using Facebook Messenger. Chicken Ken soon joined our conversation. He was very angry.
He said, "How could you let that woman back into your life?"
I said, "She's not in my life any longer. She simply came to visit her son, and now she's going to leave."
He shot me the stink eye. "Your wife abandoned you. Can't you get that fact through your thick fucking skull? You have grounds for a divorce."
"Sure. What you are saying is technically correct. But I don't have the cash to hire a lawyer."
"You're just making excuses, and I'll never speak to you again until you send Larry back to America."
After getting all that poison out his system, he left to take a shower. My oldest son is a busy man. He works more than 30 hours a week at Chick-fil-A. Plus he's a fulltime student. He majors in healthcare management. Once day, he dreams of running his very own mental institution where he'll be free to yell at the patients and squirt the hard cases with a firehose. He's an Asian mover and shaker.
I eventually got home at 6 p.m. The Dragon Lady was scrubbing the bathroom, and Rice-Boy Larry was playing computer games on his smartphone.
I looked at him. "Are you hungry?"
"No. Mom took me to a good restaurant. I couldn't swallow another bite."
My wife remained silent. She was too busy removing the grime from the bathroom floor to speak a word.
Rice-Boy said, "There was a strange story in the news about a lunatic in Seoul. Maybe it will cheer you up."
"Yeah? Then let me hear it."
He began laughing as he told the tale. "Some crazy guy thought his mother-in-law was possessed by the devil. So he accidentally set her on fire while trying to drive the demons from her body. Now the poor lady is covered from head to foot in second-degree burns."
