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Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and took Rice-Boy Larry to dinner. We walked across the street to our favorite chicken house and ordered a platter of friend bird. I drank two bottles of soju while shoving poultry into my fat mouth. Soju's extremely cheap here on the peninsula. You can get drunk off your ass for roughly six bucks.
Anyway, I struck up a conversation with my son about pussy.
I said, "Christmas is right around the corner. Are you excited?"
He said, "I'm actually a little depressed."
"Why? Because of your mother?"
He shook his head. "No, my friends all have dates on Christmas Eve. But I can't find a girl to save my life."
I patted him on the hand. "Don't worry. I was a loser with the ladies back when I was a kid, too." I took a swallow of soju and chuckled. "Hell, I'm still a loser when it comes to fishing for tuna. That's why I've decided to spend the rest of my life living like a twisted old eunuch. It's better for me, and it's also better for all of womankind."
Larry sighed heavily. "But I'm not like you. And the last thing I want to be is a twisted old eunuch. Talk about a miserable existence."
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know what to tell you. It's a family curse. Your brother is a loser, too."
He slammed his hands against the table. "That sucks."
I took another hit from my soju bottle. "This is the best advice I can give. Meet a pretty girl and try to become her friend. You know. Help her with her homework and shit like that. Then after a month or two, perhaps the sparks will fly. But I wouldn't get your hopes up." I popped some chicken into my mouth and began chewing. "Is there anyone who floats your boat?"
"The vice principal's daughter is attractive and nice."
I nearly choked on my alcohol. "Are you fucking crazy? You're talking about my livelihood. That girl is definitely off the menu. Don't even think about it."
"So what should I do?"
"Watch porn and jerk off until Ms. Right comes along." I paused for dramatic effect. "Sadly, I've got no other kernels of wisdom to share with you. My well is empty."
We got home at 9 p.m., and I went straight to bed. I had a recurring dream which has plagued me for nearly twenty years. I was standing in line at Burger King waiting to order some food. Then I suddenly dropped my trousers to my knees and defecated right on the floor. Of course, the other customers became quite nonplussed by my outrageous behavior, and in response they pelted me with their sandwich wrappers. I have no idea how to interpret this nightmare. So your psychiatric skills would be much appreciated. You can share your thoughts in the comment section.
I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. There was a huge traffic accident in Suwon. A bus driver plowed into 17 pedestrians who were standing on the sidewalk. An elderly woman died from her injuries.
