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Yesterday, I bribed Rice-Boy Larry to go to the store. I needed some saltine crackers and a dozen eggs.
I said, "I'm cooking chicken-noodle soup for dinner."
He scrunched up his nose in a sign of disgust. "Is it the stuff you bought in America a year ago?"
I nodded. "That's right."
"Is it still good?"
"Those ingredients last forever as long as you don't open the package. Survivalists stock their shelves with that type of shit. It's the perfect grub for a nuclear holocaust."
"OK. Chicken-noodle soup. I'll eat it."
I sighed heavily. "Well, here's the problem. I'm out of saltine crackers, and I also need eggs."
He shot me the stink eye. "So why are you telling me your troubles? You have a set of legs."
"Yes, but I'm a tired puppy. I'm still recovering from my recent hike to church. Six miles ain't easy for an old motherfucker like me." I paused for dramatic effect. "Suppose I give you five bucks for your trouble? I'm only asking for ten minutes of your time."
"Five bucks?"
"Yup. Five bucks."
"All right. I'll do it."
Anyway, I used the time that he was out of the apartment to start dinner. I emptied the contents of two packages into a pot that was filled with bottled water. Then I cranked up the burner on the stove and began stirring. It only took about fifteen minutes to prepare. When Larry returned, I placed some crackers on a plate between our two bowels of soup.
He began slurping like a madman. You should have heard all the noise he made while shoveling food into his mouth.
I said, "Son, you'll never meet a girl in America with those atrocious table manners. You're worse than Conan the Barbarian. All the females will run to the hills."
"That's OK. I plan to stay single for the rest of my life."
"Why?"
He grinned at me and chuckled. "Are you for real?"
"I think so."
"How could I ever get married after bearing witness to the disintegration of our family?"
I patted him on the hand. "Here's my advice. Find a girl who loves animals. That's a sign that she has a lot of empathy and is willing to show affection for the things she values. It also indicates that she's not a clean freak. Now listen carefully. If she hates puppies and kittens, then give her a wide berth."
"Is that all?"
I shook my head. "No. Here's one more kernel of wisdom. Stick to Christians, and run from pagans as fast as your legs will carry you. If she's not a fan of Jesus, then she's definitely not a member of your tribe. I don't care how great her tits are."
Larry smirked at me. "You got a lot of fucking problems."
"Tell me about it. And trust me. You're just scratching the surface."
Later that night, I watched several episodes of The Sopranos. I'm on the part where Livia tells Uncle June that Tony is seeing a psychiatrist. She knows that this information will put her son in mortal danger, but she doesn't care. Livia is one of the greatest villains in the history of television. Nancy Marchand was a wonderful actress. She's dead now. Cancer ended up killing the old gal.
I walked to my room at 10 p.m. and viewed pornography for a couple of hours. My favorite videos centered around a lady named Vanessa Del Rio. Vanessa is a hottie from Puerto Rico who is pretty much up for anything. All her holes are open for business.
I got a good night's sleep and woke up at 8 a.m. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Lee Jae-myung is a popular politician who one day wishes to become the president of Korea. Sadly, he was stabbed in the neck by a disgruntled oldster during a trip to Pusan. The blade nearly nicked his jugular, so they had to fly him to Seoul for a life-saving operation. The perpetrator of this crime is a toothless senior citizen. You certainly don't see that every day.
