Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I took a nasty shit while reading the headlines on my smartphone. An elementary gym teacher from the city of Ulsan had an unruly nine-year-old student who refused to obey authority. So the guy angrily threatened to whip the kid's ass. Anyway, you can no longer get away with those primitive antics--even in South Korea. He was immediately fired from his job and eventually given an eight-month prison term. Luckily, the judge suspended his sentence, but he's not allowed to work around children for a period of two years.
Teaching is a rough gig. In this job, you are often required to eat a ton of fecal matter with a smile on your face. The famous actor Liam Neeson used to be a high school instructor in Ireland. One day, he punched a teenager in the face, and his career went promptly out the window. Of course, that was probably a good thing in his case. It would be hard to imagine Schindler's List without Neeson in the title role.
Rice-Boy Larry climbed out of bed at 6 a.m., and we struck up a short conversation.
I said, "I notice that you're playing basketball every day for hours and hours."
He nodded. "Exercise is important."
"Do you know how many Asians there are in the NBA?"
"None?"
I smiled at him. "That's right. But do you know how many Asians work for Google?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "A lot?"
"You're right again." I paused for dramatic effect. "So are you getting my point?"
"More math and less jump shooting?"
I nodded my approval and clapped him on the shoulder. "Good man."
I caught the bus and made it to my office by 7:30 a.m. I was going to call my mother, but I suddenly had to shit again. I've been feeling poorly for the last week, and sometimes this illness manifests itself with sudden bouts of diarrhea. It's been pouring out of me like hot black lava. I don't think that I have the influenza bug. Yet something foul certainly has a hold of me.
While I was evacuating my bowels, my smartphone suddenly began ringing. It was my mother. Against my better judgment, I decided to take the call although I was still sitting on the throne.
She said, "Where are you?"
"In the toilet."
"Are you OK?"
"Not really. I'm still battling with some type of virus. However, my current situation isn't life threatening."
She sighed heavily. "There was a huge earthquake in Taiwan. Lots of people are dead. Is that going to have any impact on Seoul?"
"I don't think so."
"Great. I was all worried that you might be lying prostrate under a heap of rubble."
"On the contrary. In fact, I'm as right as rain. Everything is A-OK."
After wiping my tender ass, I returned to my room. Then I spent the next twenty minutes making photocopies for my upcoming classes. I did this while sipping on a large mug of earl gray tea. I thought it would help to settle my stomach, but it actually made things worse. Sadly, I had to run back to the bathroom to squirt some more shit into the toilet bowl.
Other than that, however, my day went pretty smooth. You won't hear me complaining. At least I'm not trapped under a building screaming for my life.
