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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from Seoul stole the questions and answers to the SAT. After that, he sold the material to various after-school academies throughout the city. His crime was quite lucrative. He made roughly a million dollars.
Anyway, the thief was eventually nabbed by the authorities and will now spend the next three years in prison. Asians take education very seriously, and they aren't above cheating to make their Ivy-League dreams come true. So college administrators are often suspicious about the test scores they receive from the Orient. Are the results on the up and up? Nobody knows.
I prepared bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. Meanwhile, my son sat at the kitchen table playing computer games as the meat fried in the pan.
I said, "I can't believe you are going to school on a Saturday."
"I'm meeting my friends. We're having a basketball tournament."
"Yes, but aren't there other places to have fun? They've got courts all over town."
He shrugged his shoulders. "School is the most convenient hook-up spot."
"And what about the snow? Can you actually dribble on ice?"
"Well, if it's too difficult, we'll do something else."
I changed the subject. "When you get back, you need to send an email to Coupang about our missing hash browns."
Rice-Boy nodded. "OK. I'll get right on it."
I had ordered two large packs of hash browns over the internet about a week ago. But the fucking things haven't come yet. We keep getting a message saying that we must wait for one to three days. So I suspect that this might be some sort of computer glitch. Anyway, I've already paid for the fucking things, and I don't want them to disappear into cyberspace. Fifteen bucks is fifteen bucks.
I sat on the sofa and watched Fox news after waving goodbye to Larry. The mayor of Boston is named Michelle Wu. She's a Chinese woman who sees herself as a member of an oppressed class of people...even though she's a powerful lady sitting on a mountain of cash. Michelle held a Christmas party for people of color. No white folk were invited.
Then I saw a humorous story about a congressional staffer who filmed himself having gay sex in the senate hearing room. This jolly sodomite used to work for Ben Cardin. But when Ben viewed the film, he immediately fired the guy. I laughed so hard that I nearly fell off my chair.
Later that morning, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
I said, "How's your Mexican husband?"
She frowned and took a sip of coffee. "He's very nervous about his doctor's meeting on January third."
"I'm sure everything will be OK."
She shot me the stink eye. "Everybody says that things will be OK. Yet they never are. All paths lead to the grave."
"Are you still taking your Lexapro?"
"What?"
"Your Lexapro. Are you still eating the pills?"
"Of course."
I sighed heavily. "Maybe your physician needs to up the dosage. You sound pretty upset."
She laughed out loud. "Are you crazy? The last thing I need is more Lexapro."
"The only other option is electro-shock therapy."
She laughed again. "I'm so bored sitting around this fucking house."
"Maybe you could be a Walmart greeter."
Mom shook her head from side to side. "I don't think Walmart does that anymore. The company got rid of them all to save a few bucks."
