Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. There's a female K-pop group called Ichillin'. They were schedule to perform during the fifth inning of a game in Seoul between the Kiwoom Heroes and the KT Wiz.
Anyway, one of the singers got beaned by a foul ball and lost consciousness, so the band had to cancel the gig. The victim's name is Chowon, and she's a little hottie from the peninsula. But before you make any sexual cracks, try to remember that she's only nineteen. Most of you desperate motherfuckers are wearing underpants older than her.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I talked to Rice-Boy Larry later that morning. He was at the kitchen table eating eggs and toast.
He said, "I have to see the doctor."
I said, "How come?"
"It's my big toe. It hurts something bad."
"Do you need to take the day off school?"
He shook his head. "Don't worry. I got it all under control. I'll catch the bus as soon as my last class is over. There's a clinic not more than three miles down the road which specializes in feet."
"Is it your toenail again?"
"No, I did something to the muscles when I was playing basketball."
I patted him on the back. "I leave it in your good hands."
One of the things I'll miss the most about this nation is the healthcare system. It has to be one of the best in the world. Clinics dot this peninsula like acne on a teenager, and the level of care is always first rate. Furthermore, very rarely do you have to wait in long lines before getting seen by a doctor. And the price? It's practically next to nothing. There's a part of me that would like to die here. Yet I know that it's not in my future.
I caught the bus and made it to my office at 7:30 a.m. Then I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
She said, "I really hate Joe Biden. He's nothing but a old, sorry motherfucker. May God forgive me."
I smiled at her. "What brought that on?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. But sometimes I wish that his airplane would just blow up in midair. The world would be a better place."
"I think you're taking it all too seriously. Why give yourself another stroke?"
"Look what he's done to our country. The border is wide open, and our children are being poisoned with drugs and gay pornography."
"Well, it could always be worse."
"How so?"
"Look on the bright side. You aren't living in Liberia, scrounging in the jungle for fruits and berries."
She took a long swallow of Coke. "I see what you're saying. I should be happy with my lot in life. But this is the United States, son. Thousands of good Americans died so that old ladies like me can live in peace and prosperity. Yet the country is rapidly becoming a third-world cesspool."
My day went OK. I taught my classes in peace, and the kids were well-behaved. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Things could always be worse. I'm just thankful that I wasn't born in Djibouti.
