A Fool in Korea

Rice-Boy Returns

Rice-Boy Larry came home on Friday. He showed up at the door at 7 p.m. with all his dirty laundry. He never even bought me a gift. Little bastard.

I gave him a hug. "Good to see you again."

He nodded. "It's great to be back."

"Are you hungry?"

He nodded again. "I could eat."

So we walked across the street to the chicken house. I ordered a platter of fried bird and a pitcher of beer. The food tasted great.

We struck up a conversation as we stuffed our faces.

I said, "How was Malaysia?"

"Malaysia? I didn't go to Malaysia."

"Really. Then where did you go?"

"Japan."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Japan? That's strange. I thought you were in Malaysia. I wonder why I'm such a perpetually confused motherfucker. Maybe I have Alzheimer's."

"You don't have Alzheimer's. You're perfectly fine."

I took a swallow of beer. "So how was Japan?"

He smiled. "I really like it over there. I saw two people having sex in one of the convenience stores. Right out in the open. It was just like a porno movie."

"And they were doing this in the 7-11?"

"Not the 7-11. The store was called Lawson's."

I sighed heavily. "I'm not surprised. The Japanese are famous for being a bunch of pagans. Perhaps they're sexual libertines as well." I paused for dramatic effect. "I guess those two pervs gave you a memory you shall never forget."

He popped a piece of chicken into his mouth. "I became really angry. I almost approached them."

"Approached them? Why?"

"To make them stop acting like a couple of pigs."

I patted him on the hand. "It's a good thing you didn't. If they're crazy enough to screw each other in public, then they're crazy enough to pop you right in the mouth."

He reflected on my words for a moment or two. "Yes. I guess you're right."

"Maybe they were making a movie."

"What?"

"Japanese porn is famous around the globe. And their most heralded porn star used to have coitus out in public."

"What's her name?"

"Sora Aoi. But she no longer performs for the masses. She's in her 40s now and married to a DJ."

On Saturday, I had to do all my boy's laundry. And there was a ton of it. Three huge loads. It took hours to get it done. Then came the task of hanging it up to dry. It just about killed me. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of wet clothing. In Korea, nobody owns a fucking dryer. I have no idea why. But this useful appliance never caught on in this part of the world.

On Sunday, one of the fuses in my apartment started giving me problems. My fridge and boiler were dead for a few hours. I tried flipping the switch back to the on position, but it refused to comply. The maintenance man even came to give me a hand, but he couldn't figure it out, either. Therefore, I was forced to call an electrician.

Larry held the phone in his hand. "The guy will come, but it's going to cost you two hundred dollars. What should I tell him?"

"Well, son, we don't have any fucking heat, and our food might go bad. So say yes."

"He'll be here in two hours."

I sat on the sofa to watch some television. And then a voice in my head told me to try the fuse again. And poof. It suddenly worked.

I looked at Larry. "What the fuck was that all about?"

"You have to be careful when you clean the bathrooms. You're getting water in the sockets."

"Really?"

"That's what I think. Yet what do I know?"

I patted him gleefully on the back. I was happy because I saved myself some money.