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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A 49-year-old woman from the city of Taebaek returned from work only to find that her two puppies had taken a crap on the floor. So she threw them both from the window of her third-story apartment, and they died upon impact. Anyway, a neighbor reported her crime to the authorities, and she will now spend the next four months in prison for her dastardly deed. Her sentence seems a little light to me, but what do I know?
I got a call at 7 a.m. from my mother-in-law. The woman doesn't speak a word of English, so I had handed the receiver to Rice-Boy Larry. He chatted for about a minute before hanging up.
I said, "What did she want?"
He said, "Mom's coming today to help you with the taxes."
I felt my balls freeze instantly. "OK, let's think about this for a moment." I paused as a nightmare scenario of abuse raced through my feverish brain. "When she gets here, let's not pick a fight. We'll just remain calm under all circumstances."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Sure. No problem."
I walked back to my room and contacted my mom using Facebook Messenger. As you know, the poor old lady is still recovering from a recent stroke, so I decided not to share the news of the Dragon Lady's impending visit. Why give the elderly woman stress, right?
Anyway, she was eating dinner at the kitchen table with Chicken Ken.
She said, "Have you cleared up your tax issues?"
"I'm doing my best. But Korea isn't really designed for non-Koreans. If you weren't born with the special blood, then everything gets real complicated...especially if you're involved in a mixed marriage."
Chicken Ken decided to chime in with his two cents. "Americans don't belong in that country. I don't blame the Koreans. What? Do you think you deserve special treatment just because you're white? You should suffer like everybody else."
I said, "OK, Ken. Thanks for your input."
Yet he wasn't through talking. "Everybody thinks that the world owes them something. Even the fucking North Koreans. They escape to the south and spend the rest of their lives collecting welfare from the government. Those motherfuckers are useless. They should all be shipped back to their homeland."
After the conversation, I watched Fox News. Orange Donald won the primary in New Hampshire by roughly ten points. I fell asleep while the television spit out election results, and I had a vivid dream about the former president. I was at a construction site, and Trump kept asking me to weld two pieces of pipe together.
He said, "I'll pay you big money if you do the job correctly. I have no use for half-ass workers."
I said, "But I'm not a welder."
Suddenly, I snapped awake and sat up in bed. The Dragon Lady was standing in the doorway of my room.
She said, "Hey, asshoe! I go to da office and get da papah. It take tree hour. I not know why I help you. You nevah help me."
"What time is it?"
"Eet fouh o'cwock."
"Four o'clock! I slept too fucking long. I must have been exhausted."
"I can't go to my home tonight because you a big asshoe. Da load too icy. Vely dangelous."
"OK. You can stay here for the if you want until morning."
Then she began cleaning my humble abode. She likes it when things are nice and tidy.
