Yesterday, I watched The Sopranos until two in the morning. I'm on the part where Uncle June shoots Tony in the stomach. I've seen the show a million times, yet it never fails to thrill me. I try to watch it at least once every three years. Why am I such a huge fan? I think it has something to do with the female characters. They're all a bunch of crazy bitches who are motivated by their greed. They'd sell their fucking souls for a chocolate bar.
Anyway, the bed I was forced to use on was extremely uncomfortable. It literally has no mattress and is as hard as a board.
I walked to the Dragon Lady's room. "How the fuck am I supposed to sleep in that bed?"
"What? Dat bed vely expensive."
"There's no mattress."
"It da special bed. It foh da people who have da bad back."
I rolled my eyes. "So I'm basically screwed?"
"Why you comprain all da time? Just go sweep. It not big deal."
I took the dog with me and did my best to get as much shuteye as possible. But I kept tossing and turning throughout the night. Just imagine trying to catch a nap while reclining on a sheet of plyboard. That's what it felt like. Then it occured to me like a flash of lightning. I'm not Korean or Japanese. So I've got to start living like an white American before I lose my shit. I'm through adapting to my situation. From now on, I'm going to make the locals kiss my ass...similar to Kurtz in The Heart of Darkness.
I eventually woke up at noon and went outside for a cigarette. In Korea, you're no longer allowed to smoke in your apartment. The neighbors complain, and the security guard appears at your door to issue a verbal warning. Ain't that a motherfucker?
Anyway, the Dragon Lady eventually served me breakfast. I had fried rice and eggs.
Rice-Boy Larry said, "Dad, what are we doing today?"
"We're going with Mom. She has a job interview."
He sighed heavily. "Really? She has a job interview, and we have to tag along? It seems like a waste of time."
"What? You want to sit in this apartment all day without internet or cable TV?"
He nodded and smiled. "Good point."
The Dragon Lady is up for a gig teaching Korean to migrant students at a local elementary school. The school is a twenty minute drive from The Queen Elephant's house. So my wife put on her finest duds to look the part, but the truth is the truth. She's now an old lady, and most of her beauty has faded. I don't hold it against her. I'm not a shallow asshole. I'm an old ugly motherfucker, too.
Rice-Boy Larry and I sat in a coffee shop while she spoke to the principal. It took a good hour before she finally finished. Then we met her back at the school.
I said, "How did it go?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "How I know?"
"What questions did they ask you?"
"Dey want teachah who speak da Lussian and da Vietnam ranguagee. I tol dem I onry speak da Engrish."
I was quite shocked. "Russian and Vietnamese? Nobody speaks that shit. And for the money they're paying? What a set of nuts on those assholes."
"Dey ret me know tomollow. At 2 p.m."
"Well, I'll pray for you."
After that, we stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a snack. The bill came to twenty fucking dollars. Can you believe it? It's getting hard for a broke dead dick to even survive on this planet.
