Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Jurgen Klinsmann is a German footballer who currently manages the South Korean national team. Unfortunately, the squad only finished in fourth place during the recent Asian Football Championship, so everybody on the peninsula is fit to be tied. In fact, the citizens of the ROK are loudly calling for Klinsmann's head. They want to see him crucified outside the gates of Seoul.
I'm a huge sports fan, but I never really take it all too seriously. Back when I worked in an American high school, I used to coach soccer. And I was always happy when my club lost during the state playoffs. It meant that I could finally return home at a reasonable time.
I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
She said, "So what's the deal?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Huh?"
"With your wife! Are you taking her back?"
I shrugged my shoulders again. "I have no idea. She says that she plans on getting a job in Seoul, yet I haven't a clue if that will actually happen."
"What kind of gig is she looking for?"
"Well, she's been thinking about working nights at an old folks home. It pays $30,000 a year. But it doesn't start until the end of March."
Mom sighed heavily. "You're making a huge mistake."
I nodded in agreement. "I know exactly what you're saying. However, we're still married, so what the hell can I do about it? Who knows? Maybe dumb luck will win the day, and she'll get hit by a truck while crossing the road. Miracles happen from time to time."
I caught the bus and made it to my office by 8 a.m. I had some problems with Google Sheets, and I kept screaming the f-word over and over again. One of the cells isn't showing all of my text. I looked up the problem on YouTube, but I simply couldn't resolve the issue. When it comes to technological crap, I'm pretty fucking stupid. The world is progressing at a fast clip, and I fear that it's leaving me in the dust.
A colleague of mine named John stopped by my room. This dude has a huge IQ. He taught himself Korean within a year. Everybody is quite impressed with his tremendous intellect. Sadly, I'm the dumbest motherfucker at my school.
Anyway, John was holding a newspaper in his hand. He pointed at an article written in Korean.
He smiled at me. "Do you know what this says?"
"I haven't a clue."
"When you pass away, this company will cremate your body for a mere $800 dollars."
"Wow. That's cheap."
He clapped me on the shoulder. "As soon as I read it, I thought of you. It's a great option since you're probably going to die here. You can even pay them for the service before you actually expire."
"Damn, John. I figure that I've got at least a decade before I finally keel over."
He took a sip of coffee from his mug. "But that's the beauty. As soon as you sign the contract, they're obligated to perform the service even if you croak a couple centuries down the road." John paused for dramatic effect. "It's certainly something to think about."
"Will they still be in business 200 years from now?"
The rest of my day was horrible. I was literally drowning in paperwork, and I didn't get home until 10 p.m. This kind of shit happens from time to time.
