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Yesterday, I ate lunch at the school cafeteria. Chicken nuggets and French fries were on the menu. I loaded my tray with as much food as possible before sitting with my friends and colleagues. There were eight of us relaxing at the same table.
One of my co-workers is from Canada. His name is Sam, and he hails from Toronto. He's a real patriot. All his clothes have a maple-leaf patch sown into the fabric. I shit you not. He does this so that the locals won't confuse him for an American.
Sam looked at me. "Obama is worried that Biden might lose the election."
I smiled at him. "I voted for Barry back in 2008."
"I'm not surprised. He's very popular. But I don't think he likes being called Barry."
I chewed and swallowed a chicken nugget. "I don't care what he likes. I only supported him because I hated John McCain."
A woman named Tammy entered the conversation. She's a Canadian, too. "What's wrong with McCain? The guy was a war hero."
I shrugged. "He was too hawkish in my opinion. But Obama wasn't any better. He's a bloodthirsty asshole just like the rest of them."
Sam said, "Most Canadians adore Obama."
I nodded. "I'm sure they do. He was our first homosexual president, and his wife Michelle is a stylish transvestite. So what's not to love?"
He chuckled nervously. "That's not true. You've been listening to too many conspiracy theories."
I said, "She's obviously a man. Just look at the size of her shoulders. She resembles a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers."
Tammy said, "You have to be careful what you say in Korea. The defamation laws are extremely strict. They could actually put you in jail for spreading ugly rumors."
I took a sip of water and wiped my snotty nose with a tissue. "I don't give a flying screw about jail. Let them arrest me. The good thing about Korean prisons is that nobody gets fucked in the ass against their will. Homosexuality is still frowned upon in this society."
Lately, I've been acting strange and reckless. Even at my place of employment. Why? I feel that my time as an overseas traveler is quickly coming to a close, so I can no longer be bothered minding my manners. In fact, getting fired from my gig would actually solve a lot of problems because I wouldn't be forced to make such a difficult decision. The choice would be taken out of my hands. January 3rd is a huge day in my life. If my Mexican stepfather is handed a death sentence by his doctor, then it's definitely time for me to get the hell out of Korea.
I eventually got home at 6 p.m. and suffered from an aggressive bout of diarrhea. The chocolate flowed from my asshole like a rushing river. I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting on the throne. There's a new Kpop group called Golden Girls. It's comprised of older ladies who used to be popular singers back in the 80s and 90s. Yet many Koreans are complaining about the women for not conducting themselves in an age-appropriate manner.
That's the saddest thing about aging. Nobody loves us. Oh well. It could always be worse. At least I wasn't born in Djibouti.
