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Yesterday, I called the Dragon Lady using KakaoTalk. I try to avoid contacting my wife as much as humanly possible, but sometimes it can't be avoided. She has a USB that contains all my information including my Korean tax ID, and this allows me to stay on good terms with the local government.
She said, "Why you bothah me?"
I said, "Well, I apologize. I certainly had no intention of bothering you. I was simply hoping to get my USB back."
"Are you da stoopid man?"
"Probably. But it would be great if you could return it, nevertheless."
"I not know where eet is. How I know? I reave almost six mont ago."
I nodded and smiled. "OK. I'll figure out how to do it on my own. Just thought I'd ask first."
"My rife sucks because you. I hope you and you muddah die."
"It's not nice to wish death on a guy's mother."
"I not care. You da fucken idiot."
I sighed heavily. "Why am I here? Wouldn't we both be happier if I went back to America?"
"If you go, I follow you. Den I kill you and you famiry. Dat's how much I hate you."
I hung up the phone. My wife is an evil woman, but I don't hold it against her. I think she has brain damage. Maybe her parents dropped her when she was a baby, or perhaps she feasted on a poisoned apple. I'm not sure. Yet something definitely fucked her up.
There is something in the world of psychiatry known as cluster-B personality disorders. These high-conflict wackos are comprised of psychopaths, borderlines, narcissists, and histrionics. Furthermore, the symptoms often blend together. For instance, you can have a narcissist who is also a borderline. Or you might find a histrionic who displays symptoms of psychopathy.
And it's not as uncommon as one might think. In fact, some of your heroes could be nut jobs. I recently watched a documentary about the divorce between Jonny Depp and Amber Heard. Both those wingnuts showed definite signs of being high-conflict individuals. And what they did to each other was downright terrible. She used to hurl liquor bottles at him in order to break his pretty face. And she would also snap pictures when he was passed out on drugs so that she could humiliate him in public. Likewise, he often screamed disgusting names at her in front of his friends in order to bring down maximum shame upon her head.
Man, what a couple of charming assholes.
Anyway, I walked across the street and bought some nicotine gum. I also picked up two tubes of medicine which I use to soothe my itchy nuts. The total price tag was a hundred dollars.
After that, I returned to my humble abode and played my favorite computer game. I enjoyed myself for a good five hours trying to conquer the virtual medieval world. But after a while, my eyes began to hurt, so I went to my room and viewed some porno, instead. My favorite videos featured an actress named Candace Vonn. She's a full-breasted ebony woman who doesn't mind strapping on a dildo to pleasure her female friends. Ms. Vonn's clips really turned me on.
I eventually called it a night at 2 a.m. and slept like the dead.
