A Fool in Korea

Sick Bastard

Yesterday, I went to lunch with an acquaintance from Seoul. He works as a youth pastor for one of the local churches. Even though I'm a sinner, I seem to know lots of religious people. Perhaps I flock to them, or maybe they flock to me. I have no idea.

Anyway, we had sushi, and he picked up the bill. The food tasted pretty damn good. But sushi isn't for everybody. It's sliced raw fish sitting on top of rice. The very thought of it makes a lot of foreigners want to puke.

We struck up a conversation as we stuffed our faces.

He said, "How are things back in Texas?"

I shook my head. "Not good. My mother keeps nailing me daily with guilt trips, and my eldest son won't speak to me until I'm on American soil."

"He really misses you, huh?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "When I was there last year, he advised me against moving to the States. Yet now he's suddenly done a 180, and I just don't get it."

He nibbled on his fish. "Well, there has to be a reason."

"Maybe at the time he was afraid that his mother was going to relocate to the Texas with me. That's all I can figure." 

"He hates her that much?"

I nodded. "She's a monster. A true dragon."

"Why? What exactly did she do to him?"

I sighed heavily. "Back in the day, I bought us an apartment with my own money. But I made the grave error of putting it in her name. Then she kicked us both out and changed the locks."

"What what about Larry?"

"He was allowed to stay. Larry has always been her golden child."

"So you and Chicken Ken were sleeping in the streets?"

I smiled at him. "No. It wasn't that bad. We simply moved into company housing. Then came the hoover."

"The hoover? What the heck is that?"

"It's the final stage of the borderline-narcissist's cycle. That's when she tries to suck you back into her spiderweb." I paused for dramatic effect. "She bought him all kinds of expensive gifts to lure him home. So he followed her siren song, only to be discarded again and again. It was a vicious pattern, and now he's done with her. After all, how many times can Lucy pull the football away before you finally give up and move on?"

"Let me pray for your family."

"Fine. But don't do it out loud. The last thing I want is to share my trauma with all the customers in this fish house."

He laughed and laughed.

I returned to my humble abode later that afternoon and did some tasks for my employer. Sometimes, I feel like the busiest man in Asia. My work is never done. And here's the kicker. I don't make a lot of money. My salary--including free housing and tuition--comes to about sixty grand a year. It ain't chicken feed, yet I'm not living a life of luxury, either. I think that I could make a thousand a week in America without the headaches. So I often have no idea why I'm actually here.

Well, that's not actually true. I  do know why I'm here. Rice-Boy Larry is still a minor, and the Dragon Lady is an extremely vindictive woman. Therefore, I have no doubt in my mind that I would be stopped at the airport by the police if I try to take him out of the country. The safest bet is to wait until he's eighteen.

I read the headlines on my smartphone while relaxing on the sofa. There's a Korean guy called Ui-jo Hwang who plays soccer in England for a club named Nottingham Forrest. Anyway, when he was on the peninsula, Mr. Hwang recorded himself having sex with a married lady. And sadly, somebody leaked the video over the internet. The woman is now suing him for damages.

Let me tell you assholes something. I'm an evil guy. I actually feel joy when I hear bad news because it makes me feel better about my life. Are you as twisted as me, or do I need to see a psychiatrist? Trust me. I'm one sick bastard.