Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Police in Jeonju discovered a naked woman who was lying unconscious in a parking lot. The poor lady was bleeding from both her head and face. It turns out that she had been mugged earlier in the day by a man in his twenties. Sadly, he stole all her stuff and sexually assaulted her. He's now in custody, and the-powers-that-be are trying to sort out the sordid details.
Korea might be the safest country in the world, but this kind of crap happens from time to time. I hope they cut this joker's pecker and toss it to the wolves. Yet the peninsula is pretty soft on crime unless the offense involves drugs. Then they throw the book at you.
I struck up a brief conversation with Rice-Boy Larry later in the morning. He was sitting at the kitchen table shoveling eggs and toast into his mouth.
I said, "Did I ever tell you about the time I went to see The Shining with my dad?"
"Yes, I've heard the story on more than one occasion."
I paid no attention to his sass and continued with my tale. "We were at the drive-in theater, and my mother and sister were sleeping in the back of our station wagon. I was only twelve years old at the time."
"And your father said that the movie was bullshit, right?"
I nodded. "You are correct, son. So I looked him right in the eyes and informed him that he had just witnessed a masterclass in filmmaking."
"What was his response?"
"He laughed right in my face." I paused for dramatic effect. "Yet I was right, and he was wrong. Luckily, I had the chance to rub it in his face just before he died."
Larry rolled his eyes. "And your point?"
"I'm currently watching Ripley on Netflix, and it's destined to become a classic. It's a real work of art. And you'd really have to be a retarded fag not to give it a looksie."
"I'm very busy these days, but perhaps I could carve out some time in the future."
I smiled at him. "Make sure you do just that. Trust me. You'll thank me in the future."
I caught the bus to work and made it to my office by 7:30 a.m. Then I shot the shit with my giant buddy, Richard Hurtz. He stands an impressive seven-feet tall and can slam dunk a basketball. I'm frequently green with envy over his unique skill set. Furthermore, he graduated from a prestigious Ivy-League institution.
I said, "I've been enjoying a show called Ripley. You can catch it on Netflix."
He scoffed at my words with a dismissive wave of his huge right hand. "I know all about Ripley. He's a homosexual psychopath who causes havoc in Europe. To me, it's a real yawner. I've got better ways to spend my evenings."
"Do you have a lot of hobbies or something?"
"I actually like to have sex with a woman from time to time...unlike you."
His words struck me to the core. "That's unfair. You know that my wife left me nearly a year ago."
"It is what it is."
I eventually got home at 6 p.m. and ate a bacon sandwich for dinner. I also drank a bottle of soju and a big can of Kelly beer. I was feeling no pain.
