A Fool in Korea

Sitting on My Ass

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. 75 percent of Korean women in their 20s have no urge to one day get married to the man of their dreams. Instead, they prefer to focus on their careers. This is causing a huge problem on the peninsula because the Korean race is on the verge of going extinct. People are only fucking for physical pleasure as opposed to childbirth. I blame the crisis on feminism and the fallen nature of mankind. But what do I know?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "How's Chicken Ken?"

She said, "It's almost 5 p.m. over here, and he's still sleeping. When he has free time, he often stays up all night playing his stupid computer games."

"Well, don't be too hard on him. The poor kid went through a hellish amount of emotional abuse back when he was a child."

"Why did you put up with her for so long?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I couldn't tell you. I guess I was trying to save Rice-Boy Larry from a life with the Dragon Lady and her family. Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself. It helps me sleep at night."

I often joke about my ex-wife. But living with a pathological narcissist isn't a laughing matter. The victims--usually innocent children--frequently suffer from long-lasting psychological effects such as depression or PTSD. I don't want to bore you with all the details. Yet if you are curious, go ahead and Google words such as triangulation, golden child, scapegoat, silent treatment, narcissistic rage, narcissistic dark cloud, etc. The list literally goes on and on.

Mom changed the subject. "Me and my Mexican husband are travelling tonight to look at some Christmas lights in the wealthy part of town."

I nodded and smiled. "Sounds like fun. Is he up to it?"

"I'm not sure." She paused for dramatic effect. "Have you spoken to Larry about moving back to America? He might have to finish high school in Texas."

I took a sip of coffee. "Actually, I'm hoping that you and your man can hang on for a couple more years until Rice-Boy graduates. In fact, I pray every night to Jesus that the Holy Spirit will cure my stepfather's ailments. For Larry's sake. Because the public school system in the United States really sucks giant ass."

She shot me the stink eye. "You never have a good word to say about America."

Mom's one of those types who drapes herself in the flag. She's originally from Scotland and moved to California after marrying a sailor. That sailor was my real father. He died of pancreatic cancer many years ago. He wasn't a bad guy, but he drank way too much alcohol and smoked way too many cigarettes. And eventually all that wild living brought about his downfall. May he rest in peace.

Later that morning, I prepared bacon and hash browns for my son.

I said, "I don't think we're going to church today."

"How come?"

"It's too cold to walk there and back."

"Why not take a taxi?"

I shrugged. "I simply can't be bothered."

So I spent the entire day sitting on my ass and watching horror movies on my computer. I started with The Ring. That's the one which features the long-haired creepy girl climbing out of the well and through the victim's television set. And I finished with the 2020 remake of The Grudge. Both films are actually Japanese remakes.

I eventually went to bed at 11 p.m. and slept like the dead.