A Fool in Korea

Be Careful

Yesterday, it was pissing rain. So my friend and colleague, Richard Hurtz, drove me from work back to my apartment. He owns a KIA SUV which he purchased several years ago to get from here to there. The vehicle is fifteen years old, but it runs like a champ. We struck up a conversation along the way.

He said, "I used to shoot a lot of rabbits back when I was a kid."

"What kind of weapon did you use?"

"A 22 caliber rifle. I also had a slug gun that my dad bought me for Christmas."

"What the fuck is a slug gun?"

"It's a gun that shoots slugs. But it wasn't very effective. You have to get them right between the eyes to score a kill."

I nodded my head and smiled. "I've eaten rabbit many times. Especially when I lived in China. Yet I wasn't a huge fan of the taste."

"Rabbits are vermin. I wouldn't put a bunny anywhere near my mouth unless I was starving."

"Then why did you murder the poor beasts? Just for fun?"

He shook his head. "No, the government wanted Australian hunters to cull the population. There are too many of the fucking things roaming the countryside. Same with possums and feral cats. You're encouraged to slaughter them, too."

I was shocked. "Cats? Holy shit. Even kittens?"

"Even kittens." He paused for dramatic effect. "Those creatures do a lot of damage to the environment. They eat too many birds and fuck everything up."

"Wow. That sucks."

I'm a huge fan of animals, and I often find myself pining away for Dolly the dog. She certainly gave me a great deal of pleasure, and I miss her every day. She used to get the zoomies and run around the apartment like a madman. But now when I see her face, I picture Mr. Hurtz hiding behind a tree with a weapon, waiting to blow my puppy's head off. I can't believe they let that bastard into the Ivy League.

Rice-Boy Larry didn't get home until 8:30 p.m. He was studying with his friends at the library. 

I said, "Is it still raining outside?"

He said, "It's starting to taper off."

"Do you want to go eat chicken?"

"Sure."

So we walked across the street to our favorite restaurant. I ordered a platter of fried bird and a bottle of soju. I also got myself a mug of beer. The entire feast came to thirty bucks. We talked with each other while stuffing our faces.

I said, "I spoke to your American grandmother today."

"Anything new going on?"

I sighed heavily. "She's very worried. Your Mexican grandfather has to see the heart doctor on January third. Granny fears that he doesn't have much tread left on his tires. In five years, he'll be ninety."

"But he's in great shape. He still walks the dogs two times a day."

"True. Nobody knows the future, and his mother did live to be 100 years old before finally kicking the bucket."

Larry took a sip of cola. "So he's probably got another ten years left before he meets his maker."

I took a shot of soju. "You might be right. Anyway, I told Granny we'd move back to America this summer if the shit hits the fan. I'll simply have to swallow my pride and take a gig at the Waffle House."

"Why don't you teach in a public school? You're certified and educated."

I took another shot of soju. "I'd rather die first. I taught for five fucking years in an American high school. It was hell."

We got home at 10 p.m., and I read the headlines on my smartphone while relaxing in bed. A former college professor at Yonsei University will spend the next 18 months in prison for badmouthing Korean comfort women. He called them a bunch of willing prostitutes who gave their bodies to Japanese soldiers to make a profit. Korea has very strict defamation laws, so you have to be careful what you say or write.