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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Filipino immigrant living in Gonju thought his 22-year-old stepson was trying to poison the family's food. So daddy grabbed a knife and stabbed the kid in the back and chest. For his bad behavior, the assailant was given a two-year prison sentence. This seems kind of light since a jury had already found him guilty of attempted murder. But judges in Korea are famous for handing down cupcake sentences when it comes to violent crime. Go figure.
I relaxed in bed as I watched Fox News. Orange Donald is pissed off at Nikki Haley. He resents having to spend money to campaign against a fellow republican. Trump thinks she should drop out of the race so that he can focus his attention on senile Joe Biden. I agree. Nikki is currently behind in every single motherfucking state and has zero path to the nomination.
At 9 a.m., the Dragon Lady barged into my room.
She said, "We must all go see da psychorogist. Dat's what Rarry wants."
I was overcome with joy. "I'd love to see a psychologist. I think it would be good for all of us."
"Gweat. But first you give me da tousan dollah."
"A thousand dollars?"
She nodded her head up and down. "Dat collect. Asshoe."
"But I don't have a thousand dollars. I'm a broke dead dick."
"You such da roosah."
I shrugged my shoulders. "You're right. I am a loser. So why are you asking me for cash? You'd be better off hitting up some of your rich relatives."
"Fuck you! I not hewp you with da taxes. Soon, dey kick you out Kolea."
Then she gathered up all her stuff and left the apartment, slamming the door behind her. But she returned 45 minutes later with a sour look upon her face. Why the sudden change of heart? The Dragon Lady's mom called her and told her to stop acting like such a bitch. Don't get me wrong. My mother-in-law has no love for her foreign son-in-law. In fact, that old woman would probably dance a jig if I got hit by a bus. Yet she doesn't want her grandson to suffer at the hands of her unstable daughter.
I guess.
Anyway, we drove to my place of employment and submitted the paperwork I had received from the tax office a few days earlier. Then an attractive secretary behind a beautiful mahogany desk started putting my financial information into her computer. The whole process only took twenty minutes. All that drama over nothing.
We returned to my humble abode, and suddenly the evil witch became somewhat pleasant. These mood swings are quite common for females who suffer from borderline personality disorder. One minute they are trying to cave your head in with a meat cleaver, and the next they are holding your hand while they whisper sexy talk in your ear.
She said, "I make you runch."
I said, "Well, I could certainly eat. I haven't had a thing all day."
So she broke out the pots and pans, and prepared fried pork and mixed vegetables. She served the food on a bed of rice. It was very tasty. I washed the vittles down with a large glass of generic cola.
After that, she cleaned the entire house, including the bathrooms. And you should have seen the job she did. You'd be hard pressed to find a single speck of dust in the entire apartment. I shit you not.
