A Fool in Korea

Romper Room

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A woman in her 40s from Gyeonggi Province had a five-year-old son. One of the kid's teachers told the lady that her child was both violent and inattentive. So Mom snuck into junior's room in the middle of the night and strangled him with her bare hands. She will now spend the next ten years in prison for the murder. The sentence seems a little light to me, but what do I know?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "How's Chicken Ken doing these days?"

"Well, he's at Sam's Club right now picking up dinner."

"What are you guys having tonight?"

"Pizza. Sam's has the best deals."

I nodded in agreement. "That place rocks. It's the only location left in America where a guy can find a good deal."

"Are you still wearing those shirts I bought you?"

I nodded again. "Of course. I've had them now for over a year, and they still look fantastic."

"How's Rice-Boy Larry doing?"

I sighed heavily. "I'm a little worried about him. He never smiles. So I told him he's only allowed to study for math and science. That way, he doesn't have to stay up half the night preparing for exams."

"Do you think he'll listen to you?"

I sighed again. "Probably not."

I caught the bus to work and arrived at eight a.m. Then I shot the shit with a guy named Frank. He's a born-again Christian just like me. However, most of our colleagues are filthy pagans and atheists. Frank's very conservative. He thinks that 90 percent of the people who inhabit this world are destined for the fires of hell. Who knows? Maybe he's right.

I said, "Years ago, I used to work with a woman named Beatrice. Anyway, she caught one of the senior girls reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Beatrice went crazy and gave the child a detention." I paused for dramatic effect. "But here's the funny part. Beatrice is a huge fan of the novel. She's read every word of that book over and over again. Hell, she practically has it memorized."

Frank scowled at me. "Fifty Shades of Grey is pornography. Your friend was correct. That girl deserved to be reprimanded. In fact, I would even go farther and report the parents to CPS. They should be punished for exposing a minor to such lewd material."

I smiled in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"

He shook his head. "I'm deadly serious. This garbage is ruining the minds of the younger generation."

"Frank, it's a novel."

"A dirty novel."

At 2 p.m., I got a call from one of my pastor buddies. He asked me to go out and eat dinner with him. We met at an all-you-can-eat barbecue buffet at six p.m. He was in bad spirits.

The pastor said, "Nobody takes me seriously."

I took a huge gulp of soju. "It's because of the way you dress."

"Huh?"

I threw back another shot of hooch. "Just look at yourself. You're wearing pink sneakers, pink socks, and a pink t-shirt. Being an ordained minister is serious business here on the ROK. Those guys are always donning expensive suits when they preach. You, on the other hand, look like a host for Romper Room."

"What's Romper Room?"

"It used to be a popular children's show."

I was drunk when I spoke these words, and I soon regretted it. I hurt the poor guy's feelings. Looking back on the evening, I should have simply blown smoke up his ass.