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Yesterday, I took one of my friends to dinner. His name is Syd, and we went to a barbecue buffet. It's one of those Korean restaurants where you cook your own meat over a grill at the table. This particular establishment only offers pork. Beef is simply too expensive here on the peninsula.
We struck up a conversation while stuffing our faces.
Syd said, "So what's up with your wife? Has she contacted you lately?"
I shook my head. "We no longer speak to each other."
"That's a shame."
I shook my head again. "Not really. In fact, I'd call it a blessing. I went through 25 fucking years of sheer hell. Now I'm finally catching a break."
He smiled at me as if I were a child. "C'mon, man. It could have been that bad. You're talking about a quarter century of marriage. There are gonna be some down times."
"Every day was a fucking down time. I shit you not. That woman ruined every Christmas, every birthday, every Thanksgiving, every Chinese New Year, every..."
He held up his hands in a sign of surrender. "OK, OK. I get it. Your wife is a fuckhead. Enough said."
I changed the subject. "How's your wife doing?"
"She's fantastic. We never fight, and she makes great money."
Upon hearing these words, I wanted to rip his throat out. And can you blame me? If a guy is enduring a tough time, the last thing he wants to hear is tales about your wonderful life. The Apostle Paul puts it best. Laugh with those who laugh, and cry with those who cry. But don't beat me over the head with your good fortune. It's bad manners. Am I right, or am I fucking crazy?
Anyway, I got home at 6 p.m. and took a nap on the sofa. Then somebody began beating on the door about twenty minutes later. It was a Korean woman who wanted to check the gas meter. So I let her in and allowed her to do her business.
She said, "Where you wipe-ah?"
I said, "Wife upsoyo." (Upsoyo is Korean for not here.)
Her face became a mask of surprise. "She come back soon?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Moo-lie-yo." (Moo-lie-yo is Koean for how the fuck should I know? It can also mean mind your own fucking business.)
"You meetah OK."
I nodded my head. "My meter's OK? Great."
Then she left.
I ate four jelly donuts as I stood over the sink. My pastries are covered in powdered sugar and can become messy at times. Therefore, I always take precautions. After that, I did two loads of laundry.
Later that evening, I watched several episodes of The Sopranos. I'm on the part where Tony's mother Livia dies, and Janice makes everyone sit in a circle to share memories about Livia's impact upon their lives. Needless to say, chaos breaks out. Tony's mom was a disturbed borderline who spent her life torturing both family and friends.
At ten p.m., I went to my room and viewed porno for an hour or so. My favorite videos featured an actress named Olivia O'Lovely. She's a Puerto Rican female with a great ass. I really had a good time.
I woke up the next morning at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A 49-year-old man from Daegu was sentenced to three years in prison for sexually assaulting his 20-year-old stepdaughter. He told the judge that he had mistaken the girl for his wife. But the judge didn't believe him.
