In The Fight To Survive (Golden Trio Era) {4}

Advice & Lies

"You were saying?" Hermione gestured for Mikayla to finish her breakdown of what emotions she suspected she would go through in this particular hypothetical situation. "Right, well I think a few hours later is when the worry, fear and guilt would start to occupy my mind. Where is he? Is he safe? What if Death Eaters found him and he was being tortured at that very moment? What if that was the last time we saw each other? How did I not see it coming? Was I so self-centred that I didn't notice that the man I love was struggling that much? What did I do to finally trigger the outburst? What were the signs that I missed? That's when I'd start to spiral, trying to sift through months worth of memories for anything that would have hinted that he was struggling so much. Trying to remember the last time we laughed together, had it really been that long?"

Mikayla paused because she noticed the recognition in Hermione's face, knowing that her friend went through this exact process, and it was clear Hermione didn't enjoy being reminded of that time. "That's when the tears would start to flow, most likely in the form of heaving sobs smothered by my pillow so no one else has to hear my heartache. This is when years worth of trauma would bubble out, and I would blame myself for not picking up on the countless signs of his mental health diminishing. How he has never been separated from his entire family, even when at school he always had a sibling in close range. That something as simple as silence could've caused him emotional distress after growing up in a chaotically loud house."

A frown began to take place on Hermione's lips, Mikayla got hints of shame and guilt for a few moments. Hermione hadn't even considered how different their current lifestyle was from what Ron had been surrounded by up until them. She and Harry had always been introverted in a way, they enjoyed their alone time and in some situations preferred it. They found peace in the silence, they formed hobbies/habits that they could do in the companionable silence, Ron would always fidget or strike up conversation whenever they were quiet for too long. Mikayla didn't want to draw attention to Hermione's feelings knowing her friend wasn't ready to digest or accept them just yet.

"How could I not have noticed that we barely ever interacted one-on-one as the months began to pass? Or how he obsessed over the one thing that made noise when I was lost in research or posted on watch. How could I be so focused on silencing my own demons that I didn't recognise just how much he was struggling with his? And even if I had noticed, was there anything I could've done that would've shut down his insecurities or destroy the fictional scenarios that the Horcrux was planting in his head? The short answer is no. I would've been completely helpless, the outburst would've happened eventually and the longer it brewed the worse it would be."

Mikayla stopped talking, Hermione had come to a halt, looking up at the bare branches of the coniferous trees as she tried to process all the thoughts running around her mind. Mikayla sat down on a large rock, listening to the birds sing, wanting to give Hermione space to think. They stayed there for about ten minutes, Hermione caught Mikayla shivering from the cold in the corner of her eye, and decided she'd deal with these conflicting thoughts later. "How do you think you would've reacted if he just casually reappeared in your life after weeks of no contact?" Hermione queried while pulling out a spare winter jacket for the blonde to wear, she was severely underdressed for the weather.

Mikayla thanked Hermione for the jacket, thought about her answer while she pulled it on and buttoned it up, swiftly settling her blue bag on her shoulder before shoving her ice cold hands into her pocket. "Well the worry and fear would be gone, but I know the blood would boil. I probably scream at him for scaring me like that and sauntering in as if he hasn't been MIA for weeks. And I'd probably hit his shoulder or something because knowing him he'd make a comment that I look 'hot' all riled up." Hermione snorted because that would be the most Fred thing to do.

"But I know it's an ice breaking comment because he's freaking out that I want nothing to do with him anymore, that he's blown his last chance. And maybe I'd enjoy it a little, that he was so worried about whether or not I could forgive him. A small piece of how I've felt over those past few weeks apart." Hermione hummed in agreement as the two continued their journey to the Horcrux Hunters' camp. "And a part of me would, the part that understood why the outburst happened. But the self-protection side of me couldn't forgive him straight away, he had to prove to me that he was here to stay and that he didn't come back for some bullshit reason, like obligation to keep his word or to benefit the survival of our relationship."