What I never knew I always wanted (Robsten story) -ON HOLD

Coming Home

1 week later.

A week later and after pulling some strings. Eliana was finally coming home. Robert finally started listening to Kristen and decided to bring Eliana home.

Of course, Eliana would have some rules. She would be sleeping in their room for her own protection. Eliana was also required to be in one of her parent's presence at all times. Rob and Kristen had also gone through Eliana's room clearing out anything she could potentially hurt herself with as well as locking the door to Alora's room.

Kristen was going to do something she had not done since shortly after her baby had died.

"Kristen, you do realize this is a cemetery," Rob said as he pulled in after Kristen gave him directions.

"Yes, I'm well aware of that" she lightly giggled. "Stop here."

He stopped and looked at her. Wondering what on earth she was doing.

"Are you coming with?"

"I guess sure" Rob replied.

He followed Kristen little ways until she stopped. He followed her gaze down the stone in front of her and it suddenly made sense to him why they were there.

Asher Stewart

October 4th, 2008- October 4th, 2008

Always loved, never forgotten

"I haven't been out here in years," Kristen stated

"How long?"

"Since I was with Michael"

"Oh my god, why?"

"It's complicated. I'll never forget my son, but its a part of my life I don't like to relive and I wanted to just focus on our family but since it's out in the open now. I felt like a failure as a mother for years. When I was pregnant with Eliana, I couldn't help but think.....Will I fail her too?"

"You are not a failure" Rob started. "Never, this wasn't your fault."

"I guess if something good came out of it, I met you. I can't help but think. If he had lived. Would I still be with Michael?"

"You have been an amazing mother to our girls and maybe your right. You would still be with him."

Kristen got down on her knees running her fingers lightly over the engraved lettering, letting a few tears fall. It had been 20 years but the pain was still the same.

"It feels just like yesterday, the pain. The heartbreak. Eliana is never going to be the same again, I know I'm not." Kristen softly said.

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After another hour of being at the cemetery, Rob and Kristen were on their way to go get Eliana. They were both nervous but knew they were doing the right thing.

"Hi, we are here to pick up Eliana Pattinson," Rob said as he approached the reception desk

"If you will have a seat, she will be out shortly."

"MOM, DAD" Eliana cried as she went and hugged her parents. Tears streamed down her face. They both were concerned about their daughter's behavior.

"Let's go home sweetheart," Kristen said. She got Eliana settled in the car before helping Robert with her things.

Arriving home, Eliana helped her mother get everything unpacked and then the two of them went to get something to eat before heading out to the backyard.

"Eliana, how are you?" Kristen asked.

"About as good as ill get at this point. How are you?"

"The nightmares have returned but I'm alright. I went out to the cemetery, to your half brothers grave. First time in 20 years."

"We should go out there together mom. Is it the same one Aiden is buried?"

"Different area but yes, I didn't think to have them close. We can go out there if you want. It might do you some good."

"Yeah, I would love that."

Soon Kristen let Robert know they would be back and it was a girls only trip. They headed to the cemetery, over to Aiden's grave first. And just like Kristen had done with her son earlier in the day, Eliana was on her knees tracing the letters.

"There was a night" Eliana started. "In the ward. Where I could have sworn I heard him crying. I thought they were trying to keep me from him. This has been a nightmare."

"I know hun."

Eliana started softly singing a tune that Kristen recognized. It was one she listened too after her son died. She hadn't heard it in years.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy......

Kristen smiled, "where did you hear that?"

"I came across it in the ward. I love it."

"I used to listen to that all the time after my son died. Its been years"

Pretty soon they headed over to Asher's grave.

"This is your half-brother" Kristen softly said

"Wow"

"Yeah, it was hell after he died. I felt like a failure."

"But your not, at all mom. Did you hold him? After he was born?"

"No, I didn't want to at that point. I regret that now, I have no pictures or anything. I was shocked when you wanted to with Aiden."

"I needed too. It wasn't going to feel real until I did. I needed to say goodbye. I wanted him to know he was loved."

"He knew he was loved even in death Eliana. He loved you too, you could tell on a daily basis and when the time is right...in a few years you will be like me and go on to have more children. Having your first child after having lost one is hard. I was so scared during my pregnancy with you."

"I'm not sure I could go on and have more children. I don't think I have the strength to do that like you did. It is nice though"

"What is?"

"Having someone who knows, who understands."

Kristen rubbed her back. "Come on, we better get home before your dad sends a search party out on us."

Eliana laughed for the first time since everything happened. She grabbed her mother's hand and the two headed home.

That night as Eliana got ready for bed, Rob sat on her temporary bed watching as his daughter got snuggled under the covers. After placing a kiss on her cheek he got up and left the room, locking the door behind him. He headed back to the living room and took Kristen into his arms. He knew eventually they would all be alright again...it was just going to take time.