What I never knew I always wanted (Robsten story) -ON HOLD

I don't know what to do with her!

It had been a month since Kace had passed and in that month, everyone barely ever saw Kristen. She spent her days behind the closed doors of the master bedroom curled up in bed practically dead to the world.

Rob was getting frustrated and not just sexually. Kristen didn't want him near her which meant he slept on the couch. He thought it was a phase at first but as the days went by he realized this wasn't just a phase.

Alise had called to check in on them on more than one occasion and Rob had expressed his concerns. Alise assured him that Kristen was grieving in her own way but Rob wasn't too convinced. He had even tried getting Kristen to see their therapist but she had plain out refused. The way she was going, Rob was scared he wouldn't have her for long. He had never seen her like this.

After making himself and the girl's breakfast he headed back upstairs with Kristen's hoping he could get her to eat. It was a very rare occurrence these days, he was lucky if he could get her to eat one meal every couple days.

"Kristen honey, please eat," Rob said as he sat the tray down on the nightstand before taking a seat next to her on the bed.

She didn't answer. "Kristen please" he pleaded again. "Honey you are getting going to get dehydrated."

"I don't care" she stated flatly.

He sighed. "Kristen comes on, you need to eat and we need to go back to therapy."

All the sudden she threw the covers back and got out of bed. Falling back into it in the process. Angrily she got up again walking off to the bathroom

"WHAT ROBERT??? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME SAY TO HER? HUH? THAT I FUCKED UP, IM THE REASON HE HAD ALL THOSE ISSUES? IM THE REASON HES DEAD!"

"Kristen, it's not your fault." This was progress he thought.

"THE FUCK IT ISNT! YOU DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ROB! IF IT WASNT FOR ME HE WOULDNT BE DEAD. SO GIVE ME A FAVOR AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" She screamed.

Epov

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I felt bad for dad hearing mom flip out on him like that. Mom's been hurting, I know how that feels.

"Eliana...why is mom screaming?" Alora asked me

"Mom's hurting Alora, she's releasing all of her anger. We have to be patient with her."

"I miss mom..."

I sighed. "I know Alora, I miss her too but I was the same way pretty much after Aiden died. We can't rush her."

"Do you miss him??"

"Of course, he was my son."

"Mom misses Kace,"

"I know, listen we just have to be patient with her."

End of pov

"If I left you alone Kristen you would be dead. Look at what you're doing to yourself. Kace wouldn't want this..."

Kristen was full out crying. She wrapped her arms around her midsection sinking to the floor. "I hate myself, so very much."

Rob went and knelt next to her taking her into his arms. "This isn't your fault....."

"I miss him so much."

"I know, I do too. You need help sweetheart."

Kristen shook her head. "I can't Rob, I can't."

"Do you want to talk to me, sweetheart?"

Kristen sighed. "I feel like a failure, if I had not fucked with my pregnancy he would still be alive. The day he was born.....it's when I realized I had fucked up. I prayed to god he would be alright. As time went on and we began seeing all his issues I got scared and realized it was my fault. I never wanted that life for Kace, I never wanted him to suffer like he did and for some reason he still loved me."

"He loved you very much Kristen and you loved him. Mistakes happen but you should not dwell on them. You need to let what happened stay in the past."

"I cant...just cant. I've been talking to our counselor."

"Have you?"

"Yeah well, texting... there is this program, they do therapy every day and I have to option to stay there inpatient or not."

"Have you decided what you are going to do?"

"I'm going to do the therapy, it's a 4-hour thing a day. 2 is individual and the other 2 is a group."

"I'm glad you are finally agreeing to something, you don't know how worried I have been." he reached up and tilted her chin up looking right into her eyes. "I don't want to lose you, I can't lose another person in my life."

Her eyes glistened with tears again. She had never really considered his pain, she was lost in hers. it was like a dark deep hole she was in and there was no ladder or anything to get out, she was screaming but no one was hearing her.

She curled herself around him, burying her face into his chest as the tears fell. it felt amazing to finally get everything out.

"Why don't you spend time with the girl's hun? They miss you."

"I miss them too, but I don't want them to see me like this. a complete wreck."

"Honey, Alora has seen you give birth and trust me, you were a wreck then too."

Kristen slightly giggled. "You have a point."

"Will you please eat?"

"I guess," she grabbed the tray off the bed slowly starting to nibble on the food. It made her stomach hurt from having not eaten in a long time.

She ate a little bit, just enough to get Rob off her back. She went into the closet and changed into a different nightgown before brushing all the knots out of her hair.

"We will take this one step at a time sweetheart," Rob said as he brushed his fingers along her jaw. "But you need to see the girls."

Kristen sighed. She wasn't sure if she could face the girls, especially after being such a shit mother.

"Are they mad at me?" She asked.

"They are worried, we all are. We love you so much."

Kristen headed downstairs, spotting the girls snuggled under blankets on the couch. Slowly she sat down next to Eliana gently pulling her onto her lap.

"Mom?" Elaina questioned.

"Hey honey, I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been there for you girls."

"It's ok mom, I completely understand. You know I do."

Rob brought her some juice placing the cup on the end table, they shared a small smile before he headed over to his chair. Kristen was determined to get better, she was nowhere near there but this was a start, spending time with her family.