What I never knew I always wanted (Robsten story) -ON HOLD

2 months later

Kace was having another surgery, this would be his fifth surgery of his life. This time around, he was having a tracheostomy placed. After nearly losing him time and time again when they had tried to see if he would breathe on his own and after talking, they decided to go ahead with the surgery.

While Kace was in surgery, they both were attending a seminar on trach care, suctioning and when to know when to call 911 for Kace. All this information was overwhelming. But they were reassured that they would have plenty of time to practice before the baby would come home.

After the seminar, Kristen and Rob were both standing in the hallway, Kristen running her fingers through her hair as she sighed.

"I'm going to go have a cigarette," she announced. She had recently started smoking again. She had stopped when she had gotten pregnant with Eliana and started back up when she had gotten pregnant with Kace and then again stopped right after Kace had been born. But over the last week, she had started smoking again. She didn't know why. Maybe it was stress?

She left and headed out across the street to have a cigarette and grab a coffee. She paced back and forth, trying to clear her head. She desperately wanted to go back in time, with what she knew now. She desperately wanted to switch places with Kace. He didn't deserve any of it.

She walked little ways down the block to the corner convenience store. She sometimes did this if she got sick of hospital food. The best part was, it had been almost 19 years since Twilight and over a year since she had done a movie so the paparazzi tended to leave her alone these days.

She went and picked up some chips and soup cups along with another carton of cigarettes before heading back to the hospital. Her diet these days mainly consisted of junk food, this wasn't normal for her but what other choice did she have?

She and Robert shared a meal together in the waiting room, trying to pass the time. It was days like this that time went the slowest.

They sat around for a while and skyped with the kids. It was a few hours later when Kace finally came out of surgery. It was that post-surgical look of Kace that scared them both everytime. It reminded them just how fragile he was. These next few days were going to be trial and error, seeing what vent settings worked for Kace and what didn't.

Rob had Kristen wrapped in his arms as she stroked Kaces hand. He knew it was things like this that took a huge chunk out of her mentally and emotionally. Sometimes he worried about her mental state. There wasn't much he could do but be as supportive as he could.

He watched as nurses came in and out. Time seemed to stop as everything moved in slow motion. He decided that he was getting Kristen and himself out of this hospital tonight no matter what it took.

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"Kris" Rob started as he came out of the bathroom. It had been almost 8 hours since Kace had come out of surgery and was stable at the moment.

Kristen turned around, eyeing him. "Yeah?"

This was not going to be easy. At all.

"What do you say to us going out tonight? Just let loose?"

Kristen looked at him like he had just confessed to a murder. "The perfect idea" she muttered. "Kace just got out surgery and you wanna go "hang loose" she did quotations in the air for emphasis.

Rob rolled his eyes, he expected her to be stubborn about this but he wasn't taking no for an answer. They were both going stir crazy.

"Ok listen, you know either your mom or one of the girls will be happy to stay with him."

"Rob, please... I can't leave him."

"Kristen sweetheart." Rob started. "I know you are scared but we need a need an evening away and Kace is stable."

"Rob," Kristen stopped and stepped back growling in frustration. "I get it alright? You want to go out and have a night away from the hospital but I'm just not ready alright??? Our son has just had major surgery. I do not think it's appropriate for us as his parents to leave him."

Rob grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the couch beside him. "Honey, what are you are actually afraid of?" He asked able to read right through her. He knew her better than she knew herself.

"Rob, you know how this last week has been. How many times have we almost lost him? How many times have we prayed that he would pull through just in the last week? And you know the absolute shitty part? This is my fault!"

Rob pulled her against him as she broke down. Here was the breakdown he had been waiting for. It was only a matter of time.

"Kris love, when are you going to let it go?"

"It's only been 4 months, give me 18 more years or however long."

"Yes, you made mistakes during your pregnancy but they are in the past. You can't keep blaming yourself. I love you, Kace loves you."

"I honestly wonder how the fuck you haven't left me yet?"

"You really think after three kids and the most wonderful years of my life, I would leave you. No matter what you do or say, I will never stop loving you."

"I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, babe. I couldn't have gotten through these months without you."

"I'll never leave your side, hey I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What?"

"I've been talking with your mother and I've started doing some research."

"What research?"

"Family councilling sweetheart,  your mother agrees with me that it might do us some good. Talk about everything going on."

"I'll think about it alright? You know I don't like talking about my issues."

That was a lot easier than he thought it would be. He was sure Kristen was going to fight him on it.

"Um Kristen, are you feeling ok?" Rob cautiously asked her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well besides the fact it is flu season, I thought for sure you would fight me on therapy."

"I don't necessarily like the idea, but maybe it will be good for us."

That night they reached a compromise. They didn't go out to dinner or anything. They just went down to the hospital floor lounge and snuggled wrapped in each other arms on the couch. The room had the glow of soft lights and a fake fireplace sat against the wall. The soft glow of the television completed the room. It wasn't there own bed at home, but it still made her feel butterflies in his arms.