What I never knew I always wanted (Robsten story) -ON HOLD

Adoption

Please don't kill me for this chapter....sorry you guys!
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2 months later

Today was going to be an unimaginably hard day. Today they were going to put the baby up for adoption. Kristen was in tears as she was in the nursery packing up Kaces medical equipment. She looked into the crib at her son, he was just laying there looking around.

She hated that they were doing this. She loved their son with every fiber of her being and that's why they were doing this. Kaces care required more than they could provide.

On top of his tube feedings every couple hours, he had several medications that required administration around the clock. He also required around the clock suctioning and they had to call an ambulance twice.

She knew in her heart this was the best thing to do. Robert was currently on his way home to support her. This was eating him up inside but after his heart to heart with Kristen the other night. He also knew it for the best.

They were both comforted by the fact that they could see him anytime and be as involved as they wanted.

This was a different kind of adoption, Kristen and Robert would have access to their son whenever they wanted and they would still make medical decisions. Kace would just not be living with them. But it still didn't make it hurt any less.

After getting everything packed, she carefully reached into the crib and picked up her son. Being careful of the cords she went and sat down in the rocking chair, cradling him against her chest.

"Hey, baby," she whispered. "I love you, I'm so sorry we are doing this to you. don't worry, you will see mommy and daddy all the time." she smiled down at her baby boy who was staring back at her. Kace was 7 months old but wasn't doing anything a normal baby at his age would be doing. Kace had cerebral palsy, he communicated using his eyes or his heart rate, he couldn't smile or babble. He also had minimal control over his limbs so 3 times a day Kristen would do range of motion with him, it was where she would exercise his arms and legs so they didn't become atrophied.

They really relied on the heart rate monitor to tell them everything, it helped them know when kace was upset, needed a diaper change or was too hot or cold. Lately, his heart rate constantly ran high because he was teething.

She was sitting slowly rocking back and forth, running her fingers through Kaces thick hair. Wondering where she was going to get the courage to hand him over. Rob came into the room and sighed, they had an hour before the worker would be here with the other mother. He knelt down beside the chair and stroked Kristen's hair.

"Were doing the right thing right?" Kristen whispered, her voice barely audible.

"You know we are hun, we cant keep trying to take care of him."

Kristen sighed. "Yeah, it's just not easy"

"It won't be, but I know you are strong and we can go and see him whenever."

"Do you think he will forget about us?"

"Not at all Kristen! you're his mother, he is more aware than you give him credit for love."

Kristen lightly chuckled, tightening her grip on Kace.

An hour later, it was time. Kristen slowly stood up from the rocking chair as the women came into the room. Slowly she lowered Kace into the stroller, tucking the blanket around him. "You be good alright, I love you Kace," she whispered as she pressed her lips to his forehead, lingering for a minute.

"He's in good hands honey" Kaces new caregiver Alise said. "You can come and see him anytime" she smiled.

Kristen managed to smile a little as tears streamed down her face. she followed Alise out with the bags and helped her get Kace settled in the car. she reached into the bag and grabbed the blanket and laid on Kace. he had two blankets that would rotate, Kristen would sleep with the one she had and the next time she would see Kace, she would give him that one and take this one back with her. she wanted to make sure he always had her scent with him.

They watched as they left. The social worker had Rob and Kristen both sign some paperwork and got some information before leaving. Rob wrapped Kristen in his arms, listening to her light sobs against his chest.

Kristen felt like a failure as a mother, not that she would say any of this out loud. It got to be too much to take care of Kace, she wasn't meant to be taking care of a baby with special needs.

Slowly she got out of his embrace and walked towards the bathroom, she stopped and grabbed a towel out of the closet and a few minutes later, Robert could hear the shower running. It was going to be weird for the both of them, they never really had any time together because one of them was always with Kace. it was going to be weird actually sleeping at night and not being up at night to watch over Kace while Kristen slept, she always took day shift. Taking care of Kace was a literal 24/7 job. They were lucky that once a week Eliana and alone would help out, Eliana would take the night shift while Alora did the day shift to give their parents a break. They had been trained in everything Kace required.

Getting out of the shower, Kristen wiped her face with the towel before looking in the steamed mirror. Her eyes were puffy and red, making it obvious she had been crying. She slammed her fist on the countertop making a razor fall off and onto the floor. She caught a glimpse of the broken razor, she bent down and picked up the blade. She didn't even know what happened next, all she knew was suddenly there was a searing pain in her arm and blood was spilling to the floor. Line after line, cut after the cut was made and she was oblivious to it. She was in another world.

Finally coming back to reality she almost threw up. She went into the medicine cabinet and grabbed the roll of gauze wrapping it around her wrist and arm. She used the bleach to clean the floors and threw out the towels before making her way out of the bathroom. Luckily Robert had gone downstairs, she slipped into a long sleeve shirt before she went downstairs.

Later that night as she slept, Rob didn't. he was too busy thinking. Kristen suddenly turned over which caught his attention, what really caught his attention was the white gauze when her sleeve slid up. Slowly he rolled her sleeve up gasping at the sight. he knew exactly what she had done.

"Fuck" he whispered. Knowing he was in for another battle.