Ghosts Broken Mask

12 - 'Death wish'

Through the mild blur of your tears, you watched Ghosts expression soften, seen by the way his eyes slanted in a sympathetic gesture. You wiped your tears, immediately feeling humiliated. You didn't want to cry; you wouldn't allow it.

"Rookie..." He said, his husky voice low and deep. He shifted on his knee slightly and cautiously let your wrists go. You let them drop loosely to your sides as the music blocked his words. You sat dazed, tired. In a catatonic state without the need for pills.

He pointed to your headphones, a simple motion asking for you to take them off. You glanced over his shoulder at the helicopter. You needed to be brave, better. You needed to forget, but it wasn't that simple. Your brain fought itself.

This was part of your job; you couldn't let your personal feelings get in the way. You looked at Ghost, he seemed to have picked up on your fear. Uncertain if it was heights or helicopters all he knew was that you were afraid. You shut your eyes, bracing yourself for the removal of your headphones.

Your fingers wrapped around them and you lifted them slowly only to be stopped. Warm hands over top of yours, keeping your headphones in place. You opened your eyes, looking up slowly and seeing Ghost with a concentrated look as he held them on. You slipped your hands out from underneath his.

He pulled out his phone and pointed to the volume button in which you nodded. He lowered the music, the sounds slowly creeping back in. With enough time to prepare your reaction was mutual. "Can you hear me now?" He asked, you could. Loud and clear. You nodded and he nodded back.

He didn't say anything, his eyes just roaming over you with a look you couldn't read. You kept sitting against the convoy, your knees still drawn to your chest. "I know you're afraid rookie but we need to get on that helicopter" Ghosts voice had a hint of care but overall was stern.

It wasn't an order but it wasn't something that was up for you to refuse. You glanced over his shoulder at the helicopter, your mind stringing together the last fractions of strength that you had left. "If you refuse I'm afraid I'll have to drag you" He said, his eyes narrowing in seriousness.

You glanced back at him and then at the helicopter behind him. "I cant leave a teammate behind" he said with a simple shrug. You were in no mood to talk or argue. Deep down in your swirling stomach you knew you had too, you were assigned a mission, and you'd execute it.

Yet; you sat against the convoy. Your body didn't want to move, you felt limp inside. Like your muscles couldn't work, that feeling when u wake up and your just weak and shaking. You felt unbelievably tired. All the energy and strength drained from your body leaving you frail.

You sighed, and leaned your head back against the convoy. Maybe if you just asked for a second to prepare then you could do it. You looked up at the darkening sky, you felt unsafe traveling while it was dark. You didn't want to think about it. You brain just kept continuing to think but your body refused to budge.

In all honesty you felt like shit. You wanted to curl up and go to sleep, you couldn't care right now. You didn't know how you felt but it certainly wasn't something you wanted, like observing yourself from deep inside. Only your eyes allowing you to see but even they were failing as tears drowned them.

You sniffled quietly, wiping the tears before they fell. Annoyed each time they came back to blur your vision, showing your weakness. You blinked hard, fighting them back as Ghost was still. You wanted to knock yourself out, cringey as it sounded. You just wanted to be gone for a moment.

As seconds ticked by, you felt as if the air was becoming more dense or gravity was stronger. You felt heavy, crushed; suffocated even but you were fine. Like the final stage of exhaustion. Your tears cleared, giving up at your determination to not let them pass.

You stared aimlessly up a glassy look in your eyes, you couldn't even tell if you were blinking. Maybe you were too tired. You felt a light tap on your knee, your head couldn't turn. Locked in place while you gazed. Your eyes fixated on nothing, like when you zone out in that comfortable place and don't want to look away.

Another tap slightly harder. Not even a blink, just you talking in your head, it echoed off the walls and bounced across. How does one feel so empty and so cramped inside at the same time? You twitched your fingers, worried that maybe you had turned into a ragdoll. Oh how you wanted a drink right now.