Ghosts Broken Mask

81 - Yes?

Ghost ||

I let my eyes flick over to her once again, I'd lost count of how many times I'd laid my eyes upon her this whole ride back. 

She sat still as always, only the small bumps and ragged edges of the road making her sway with its impact. She stared forwards, her eyes like windows showing that she was tucked away in her own little world right now. 

She had her headphones on, and like always I wondered what she listened too. The way she always had them on, building my eagerness to know what the music did for her, was it words she couldn't speak?

Was it lyrics she could relate too, did she listen to it to keep her mind off the present or was it just because she liked the rhythm, the beat, let her mind run free with thoughts to keep her entertained. 

I forced my eyes off of her, staring straight ahead once again. That stupid churning in my stomach had returned once again and I knew exactly why, it was guilt. Twisting my organs about to the point I had to shift in my seat. 

It was her questions the other day, but she was never to blame. It was my answers, the creator of my guilt-ridden state. It wasn't fair to be annoyed, and still I scowled. I scowled because she had no idea. 

Sitting there, looking like that, while my body tortured itself. I shifted once more, this time with a sigh of annoyance that Johnny seemed to hear over the rumbling engine of the truck because he looked at me. 

A smile on his lips that asked the question without words. 'Everything good LT?' I nodded back to him with a quiet grunt that I doubt he heard. Thats all it took for him to focus elsewhere, much to my enjoyment. 

This time I didn't have a chance to think about it before my eyes pulled involuntarily to her. A yearning mixing in with the guilt, the urge to reach out and comb a hand through her hair, stroke her face or make her scowl. 

That offended little frown that made her eyebrows furrow and her cheeks puff slightly. How could I feel so much resentment towards her right now and still want to hold her? I hated this, all of it, but I knew I was the one to blame. 

How'd I let her get in my head like this? God if I could just take my fucking eyes of her for a damn second then maybe I could think straight. I knew I had to apologize, find reasoning within my answers. 

Why I had answered like that I couldn't even tell myself. They caught me off guard, I had assumed more then she implied and something about that had me panic. I don't do panic, I'll say and do anything just to shut it down.

Thats exactly what I did, but still, I wouldn't put any serious thought into whatever she was trying to say. I was too harsh, blunt with her and that wasn't fair in the moment. I could blame it on the fact we were waiting on a mission. 

But that was a cowards move and I'll be damned if I took that path. I had tried to hate her, I did hate her at first. But something about the way she was, she could match my attitude and return exactly whatever bullshit I threw her way. 

And this look, the way her eyes carried a story. She made me feel weak, threatened my masculinity the way she had fought in my name, maybe I was a coward after all. Too afraid to accept the fact someone else had fought a battle of mine. 

That was the first time I ever really paid attention to her, she was in the class of recruits I trained at the time and I thought she was rather lazy. Barely putting effort into any activities, slacking off on tasks. 

If only I knew she was a lot more capable than I'd seen. To this day I still had the question as to why. Why did she fight? Seeing her try, something opposite her usual persona, caught me. I watched her, I didn't care if she got hurt.