A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

What he was afraid of...

Strengths and weaknesses are a part of life. They define a person. Shape their character. Who they are. Who they are meant to become. Can Divit was a man many would perceive to be strong, rugged, vigorous, and tough. He was all of those things. But all of those things came from his weakness. And that weakness was a fear of abandonment. Witnessing his mother leaving, leaving with Emre, leaving him behind, leaving him and his father broke a child's spirit of innocence in him. He wondered for so many sleepless nights why he was left behind, why he was not as good as Emre, why his mother chose Emre over him. He did not blame Emre. He blamed himself. And that, to anyone, a child no less, is something that stays with a person through all of their life...

Can learned how to get stronger. How to hide the pain inside. Above all, he wanted to show his father he was as strong as he was. The bond they shared was so much stronger than just a bond between a father and son. Emre could never understand why their bond was so strong, because he never witnessed a love between a parent and a child. It formed based on sadness and loneliness and hurt. Because of who Can was as a person, Can chose to conquer those feelings himself instead of surrendering to them. He grew strong. He grew wise, wiser so much beyond his years. But he also grew more cautious. He understood perfectly well what it meant to get hurt if a person got too close. And he succeeded, in all of his life, until he met Sanem.

Physical strength was a necessity for Can. He once was young and weak. One lost brawl at school while defending his father's name because kids made fun of the fact that his mom left them was enough to make him realize that weakness was a weakness. Never more. He grew into a man who not only knew how to fight, but one who knew what was worth fighting for. Though his temper was another matter, his heart could always be found in the right place. And now, it lay in Sanem's hands, completely surrendered...

Sanem. He never realized one word could change a life. But it did. She did. She caressed his broken pieces by simply being who she was. She was as wild and the most thunderous winds, and as calm as the evening breeze. She was as wild as the flowers she picked when they walked through the forest and as peaceful as her breath when he gazed at her when she slept at his cottage. And now she was in his mind, but so much more importantly, in his heart. A man that he was, he was sure he would have no problem making her fall for him. She not only proved him wrong, she proved to him that he fell for her first. And worst of all, she was fighting her feelings for him, because he knew he was not indifferent to her, no matter how hard she tried to let him know he did not matter. He knew better than that.

Boxing always made him feel better. Released his tension, and releaved his stress. Not this time. His trainer did not need to tell him they were not getting anywhere. He did anyway. He spared Can no words. What he did was not boxing. What he did went so much beyond trying to throw punches in anger out of his system. But in no way, shape or form he would be able to justify that as boxing. And it would be of no use. Can had to process through what bothered him deep inside all on his own. So they decided to part ways for the day. And just in time. Because the reason for Can's raging temper stood right at his door.

Can was stuck where he stood. Couldn't move. Coudn't think. Couldn't breathe. He wondered how he looked with his eyes fixated on her. He wondered if Sanem could see how affected he was by simply looking at her. Time slowed down. Birds stopped midair. Leaves within the trees stopped dancing in the wind. Did one minute pass? Three? Five? He wanted to speak, but was unable to do so. Yet, he could also see she was just as stuck as he was. Her head tilted. He could not tell whether she was moved by the expression on his face or the fact that he was shirtless. Nonetheless, he took notice that he affected her still. Still. And what followed could only have been described as the "Sanem effect". He made no sense, neither did she. He asked, she answered, with logic hanging on by a thread.

He asked why she had come. She said for papers. He asked what papers. She replied Deren's papers. He replied he did not have her papers, she in turn replied that Deren asked her to finish her work but needed papers which Deren said he would have. He was baffled all the more, because Deren had all the papers at the agency. His next set of replies were as odd as they were incoherent. He told her she was free to look. At him, no not at him, but if she wanted, she could look at him too. He bit his tongue. How much less sense could he have made? What was she doing to him? He realized that their conversation just then and there did more to him than the hour of boxing he ended not long ago.

They walked inside, and he went to change. He was not making any sense to himself at all. This shirt, that shirt, this pendant, than necklace. Why did it matter? Why should he care. The darnest thing was that he did. He chose his clothes carefully, and went to join Sanem. And found her, speaking to... herself. It made him wonder why she pretended to speak on a phone that he clearly could see was turned off. He had to admit that he was crazy about her. He was crazy to think he could get over her. He asked her why she had come, after all the documents she would need were at the agency. She made an illogical excuse that she could work at his home, away from his sight. He regretted his next question the moment it came out. He asked if she felt guilty about the way she ended things the night before. He saw his mistake. And the sadness in her eyes. She turned to leave. He could not let her. Every cell in his body rushed after her. He needed her to stay. Needed her close. There was something deep within his heart that begged him to fight for her at all cost. What came out of his mouth came out of his soul. He never said those words since the day his mother left. "Please stay"... his heart thrust itself on his lips. She stayed. And she smiled. And that was all that he needed then. For her to stay, for her to listen.

They worked together, but neither one did any work. He gazed at her, she stole gazes at him. If he did not know better, he could swear she tried to make him suffer. When Deren called and made him search through his emails, he needed to explain to Sanem why he needed to sit closer. And he just knew how immature it seemed. He was asking for permission. To sit next to her. In his house. But so be it. He sat accross the table from her. And the fate smiled. They wanted to play? Fate was game, and then some. The power went out in the laptop. All he could think was how frustrated and thankful he was. He had no choice. He sat next to her. And pretended he knew which email to search for. To his complete pleasure, she was struck by his closeness. He could not understand why she kept looking at him. All he could do was pretend he did not notice. When he was done he decided to walk off his nerves and went to make tea. And he could have sworn the kitchen almost flooded. He turned on the water. And got stuck again. Her face. Her neck. Her hair blowing in the gentle wind. Her hair in her hand. Her hair caressed by her hand. Her hand on her neck. If that was a glimpse of who she was as a woman, he swore he would go nuts. Then all he could hear was water running. Or was it the blood rushing through his veins? He stopped the water from running, and himself from drooling. He made the tea and carried it to her. And saw the way she played with the pen. How it gently touched her lips. And he made another mistake. A lovestruck Can was a babbling Can. He wanted to ask if she wanted to go out and get some food. But she replied that she must have overstayed her welcome. So she decided to leave.

They went to the door. And out the door. His heart could not stand the thought of never again holding her close. Never again feeling her breath close to him. Never again being able to reach for her hand. He brought her close. What he was afraid of was having to close his heart again. After he finally opened it. Held held her close, and held on for dear life. The despair of the moment was only hightened by the fact that she held on too. He could not understand why she would not let her feelings show. Because she had feelings for him. If she would not, her embrace would not be as deep and sincere and painfully fulfilling. She held on. Neither one wanted to let go. He caressed her hair, demanding of his hand to remember the way her hair felt against it. In it. She let go, and walked away. And all he was left with was the sight of her tears in her eyes, and the gate that was closing...