A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

Loneliness...

Loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling. It should never be mistaken with being alone. Being alone is as opposite from loneliness as night is from day. Being alone is a choice. Being lonely is something one has no control over. Being alone is based on strength of the will and the belief that one is capable of surviving  even the worst of storms. Feeling lonely is based on the realization that a heart that once loved us is no longer there. No longer present. No longer beating for us. It is a feeling that returns the moment one remembers how much it had been loved. Or how much it wished it still had been loved. If only for a moment longer...

Can Divit was a loner. A nomad. A man without anyone to call his own. Because he trained his heart not to feel the need for it. That is why he did not even see love coming his way the moment he met Sanem. She was so unlike anyone and anything he ever saw or experienced in his life that he did not know how to prepare for it. Or how to prepare for her. He ran left, she ran right. He jumped up, she ducked down. He opened his arms to her, she ran from them. Yet, when he looked away from her, she seeked his eyes and his gaze. When he found the world around him too overbearing, she was the only one who found him and guided him back home. And when he finally realized what it was he could be feeling for her, he was so far gone in love with her that he did not know how to turn back. Or whether he would have. Because Sanem's love healed him in ways he never expected. He never realized that love could heal him from within. She never asked for it. He offered it freely.

And he got burned and hurt beyond limits that existed in his mind. She refused his love. No, that was incorrect. Because she was not that kind of a woman. She was too scared to accept it. Too afraid to get hurt. Or afraid to hurt him? His world was much different than hers. His world was open to the way of life in big world countries. Her world ended beyond the limits of Istanbul. She lived with Turkey and traditions in her heart. She would never have accepted a relationship that did not lead to marriage. That would not lead to family. Perhaps he was too foolish to believe he could offer her that? Perhaps he was too afraid to ask her a chance to do so? Perhaps that was the root of his fears...

When they found themselves locked in the compound he was both furious and thankful. Furious for walking right into Aunt Remide's trap and being too blinded by his feelings for Sanem to suspect it. Thankful for being able to get trapped with Sanem by Aunt Remide in her mischievously calculated plan. Sanem was there, and so was he. They were trapped in one building, but thousands of silent miles apart. He was not a fool by any means. He meant something to her. He suspected that he may even mean a great deal to her. But something prevented her from reaching out to him. From accepting his hand. From accepting his love.

As fate would have it, she fell right into his arms when he lowered her from reaching for a lamp. It was not his intention. He never would have suggested it had he known how much pain it would cause him. There she was. In his arms. Next to his heart. Right under his skin. Her eyes told a story of a heart filled with love that was too afraid to let itself be felt. That broke him. He held on to her as if for dear life. His heart begged him to keep her there for as long as he could. Because it felt Sanem's heartbeat. It matched it. It sang with the same melody. And it never wanted to part from that beat. If he had to describe his favorite sound, he would have sworn that the pulse he felt now from her underneath her skin would forever be his favorite sound. And he would never want to forget it, or go on living without it. Suddenly, she let go, depriving him of that most precious of sounds.

She tended to his wound he received from when he cut himself while looking for light. She mentioned she hoped they had something to bandage his wounded hand. He replied he did, and pulled out her bandana. And watched with amazement just how much more love came out of her eyes. Her words to him from few days ago were as untrue as the honesty in her eyes revealed itself now. She loved him. He realized this would be theire last moments together, and his heart broke even more. If he had to remember her in his life going forward, he was sure he would rememeber her with love in her eyes right now. And would remember just how lonely his heart felt the moment she turned those eyes away from him, and walked toward the unlocked doors, and away from his heart...