A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

A defeated winner...

To some, winning is a matter of principles. They go through life with a head held high and a firm belief that winning is the most important thing. Because defeat equated to failure. It equated to acknowledging someone else's superiority. It meant not being prepared for the final battle. And for someone like Can Divit, winning was not as much as a necessity, as it was a way of training his heart against failure...

Standing in the archive room, Can was distracted. He was reviewing a file for one of the agency's past campaigns, and could not concentrate. His mind was clouded, his thoughts miles away. And it was all because of Sanem. She drove him mad. Even if she was not close to him, next to him, he still felt her there. He thought the pain of her not responding back to him with words that she loved him was unbearable. That was true. But hearing her admit in her own words that she would rather give up the ownership to her idea for the campaign and thus end her employment at the agency instead of owning up to her talent infuriated him. She was a difficult woman to understand. But now he realized it was impossible. She won the campaign contest. But she would rather surrender that honor and leave Fikri Harika than stand up for her talent. She won his heart. But she was choosing to give up on their love rather that being brave enough to tell him she loved him too. He was relieved to see that she changed her mind and came back and owned up to the fact that she was the one who wrote the ad. He just hoped she would do the same with regards to his love...

Deep in his thought, Can did not hear when Sanem walked in to the room. She was distraught, and ashamed to have ever told him she wanted to give up writing and her work at the agency. She approached him slowly. And cautiously. She appologized, and admitted he was right. She wanted to write. Wanted to create a world with her words. But she was affraid. So very affraid because she doubted herself. Can sighted. He reminded her of what he firmly believed. She had a talent, a gift, and she would be successful, she only had to believe in herself and in not giving up. His words touched her soul. He not only loved her, but he believed in her as well. Truly believed in her...

She asked Can not to look at her in a distant and unapproachable way. Was it a game she was trying to play? Can thought. He did not like playing games. And certainly not when it came to his heart. He asked what sort of distance was she comfortable with? What distance would be not too distant but not too approachable? He came closer then. Inched closer to her. Closer still. Until he was close enough to see the indecisiveness and hesitation paint themselves vividly on her face. He asked her what exactly was she looking for? A friendly employer - employee relationship? She had a hard time answering. So he continued. And went a step further, delved deeper into her inner thoughts. Did she really still think he was not attractive? She was firm in that response but he saw right through her. He repeated his question and asked if she would succumb to her senses and come to him and admit her feelings. She replied she would not, but her voice gave her away. Her courage and her strong will were gone. He decided to make sure she would realize the error of not being honest with herself and her feelings. He came closer, and asked if she would have let him kiss her if he kissed her now. Her heart skipped a beat loud enough for him to hear. She closed her eyes. It took him every bit of his restraint not to lean in for a kiss. With her eyes closed, she missed his everso confident smirk of a smile that he was unable to suppress. But it was not just his face's expression. No, that one came straight from his heart. He leaned in slowly, and whispered to her that Sanem Aydin should not start a war she already knew in her heart that she would lose. Sanem's eyes flew wide open, and she watched Can walk away in one triumphant stride...

Fully aware that Sanem would not let him take that little victory without a strike back, Can happily awaited her next move. He did not have to wait for long. She barged in to his office and announced that she would accompany him on the search for the location for the campaign's shoot. Or rather, he would accompany her. He tried to argue, but soon realized that there was no point in arguing with Sanem's logic of her own reasoning. So they left, and searched for the perfect spot. While in the car, they shared a moment that made him realize how lonely being alone with her could feel. They were in one car, they were close to each other, yet they were as distant from each other as they possibly could. They fought for the control of the music, and he touched her hand. A pang of saddness hit him so hard he felt it deep inside. He asked if they could not just spend time as two normal people. But he was so far from feeling that himself. He felt so much for her, yet he was denied being able to express it and hold her close. As much as it infurated him, it saddened him so much more. He could see she had feelings for him, but he could not understand why she was fighting against those feelings rather than fighting for their love.

After a while, they arrived at the perfect location for the ad campaign. It was perfect in his eyes. And in his gut - which made him feel right about the area as well. Sanem's home area. He was so used to those streets and shops and homes that he hadn't thought of in the first place. But seeing it, its colors, its people, and the feeling it exuded hit all the right notes in his mind. He rang the doorbell to Sanem's home because he realized how much he missed Mevkibe. To Sanem's shock, Mevkibe was just as happy to see him as he was to see her. She welcomed him inside as if he already were a part of the family. Sanem sat on the sidelines and watched as Can and her mom enjoyed a conversation that revolved around her, as if she was not even there. To make it worse, Mevkibe invited him to see Sanem's room after Can mentioned that they were looking for rooms for the commercial. Sanem watched in horror as Can made his way up to her room. She tried to stop him, but his determination made him unstoppable.

He entered Sanem's bedroom. For the first time in his life. The room was all Sanem. Pure and filled with her scent and an aura of innocence and poetic inspiration. He suspected it would have been as chaotic as her personality, but, no, this room fit her better. Franz Kafka's book hit him hard. It was a visible sign of how connected their souls were. He looked around the room, and found her desk covered with written pages, a yet clearer sign that she still continued to write, and had not given up on her writing as he had hoped. Shelves with books, colorful curtains in happy bright colors, they all matched her personality - the one he had come to recognize in her and love. He saw his ALBATROSS note he had jotted down as her password not long ago. The poster with two albatrosses flying high above the water baffled him. Why was it here? Her response that it always hang in that spot eased his curiousity. But then he saw the creams. And that sight twisted his gut. Not in a good way. What was she doing? Why were they there? She made her own creams. That he already knew. But why did those creams have the names of all the places where they had been together? The hammock. The sea. The camp. Agva. That somewhat made sense. But what about the 'C'? 'C'?!? 'C'!!!

He took a deep breath. Time had finally come to be honest with each other. With themselves. He asked what the 'C' stood for. She lied again. She hid the truth. She retreated away from honesty. It was either that or he had been wrong about her feelings for him. Either way, his heart would not be able to stand it any more. He pulled out the pink envelope with her note. They both knew what it contained. It contained what their future and their dream could hold. But she was to scared to own up to it. And that hurt him beyond words. The war he called for was finally over. The war he prepared for to come out as a winner ended with his heart shattered into pieces. The war ended with her coming out as a winner. Because in the end it did not make him feel like a winner at all. He had been a fool to believe in the kind of love his heart yearned for. That they could have shared that kind of love. The pain in his heart made him feel like a defeated winner, if there ever were such a thing...

He left. No, he fled. The pain in his heart felt unbearable. He would not permit himself to shed a tear. Not now, not in front of Sanem. She chose to brush him off with a cold shoulder? She chose to give in to the fear she felt inside? That was her choice. So be it. His heart would move on one day, he had to be sure of it. Though he was not at all sure of it at that moment...