A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

Fear of it all...

A heart of a person in love does a great many things. Some say that to be in love is to think with the heart. To feel with the heart. To yearn with the heart. That is true. But there is one more... To fear with the heart. A heart that fears oftentimes cuts the wings of a love that fights to stay alive. A heart that fears looses the courage to believe in its own strength. It instead allows the fear of defeat to conquer the feeling of love it so longs to feel.

Sanem loved Can. She was in love with him. He overpowered her heart so greatly that she knew that her heart was no longer hers. She felt Can in every piece of her heart. Her photographic memory imprinted that love for him so deep inside her heart that she understood it would never accept amyone else into it. It scared her to feel that much that quickly. She also began to understand that he fell for her. That he fell in love with her as well. She never asked him to. She never expected him to. She never expected for someone like Can to ever be able to feel anything for someone like her. But he did. And that scared her more.

It scared her to realize she had deep feelings for him. It scared her to realize that his feelings for her may just prove to be as strong as her feelings for him. She lied to him. She made many mistakes. And the fear of those lies and mistakes weighed heavy on her heart. Each day she waged a battle with her own heart. She either felt the urge to be next to him, or fought the fear of his feelings for her when he was near...

When they drove home from the compound, they drove in silence. She knew every word would hurt. So she chose to stay silent. Being next to him was enough. Would have to be enough, because those few minutes she stil had left of his heart near hers would be the painful ones she would keep coming back to once he would be gone. Lost in her thoughts, she noticed the car barely crawled. She asked why he kept the car at low speed. His reply made her realize just how much she meant to him. She only mentioned her phobia of fast speeds to him once on their way to Agua - although it too had been a lie just to prevent them from meeting Arzu, he took it to his heart. She bit her tongue and gripped at her purse with all strength she still had, for tears were already forming at her painfully stinging eyes.

They parked by her home. Not afraid any longer of who saw them. Can pulled out a box, tied with a red velvety ribbon. He asked her to open it once she got inside her home. He knew he would not be able to hold himself strong if she opened it now. It mattered to him that she would not give up on her dream. That she would not give up. She looked into his eyes. They shone with tears forming unbeknownst to him. She too had tears in her eyes. She loved him. She did not know she could love him that much. That much more. She was so afraid to reveal her mistakes to him. She was so afraid to let go of him. He said he was leaving, and his words began to outweigh the heaviness she felt from her lies. He told her not to quit, he told her to stay at the agency. He saw so much in her. So much light and so much more in her beyond what she looked like. He saw her heart and who she was as a person. The fact that he meant it sealed in her heart all that love she would ever come to feel for him. She asked if he really had to leave, and she could see that his reply hurt him as much as they hurt her. He was closing his heart again. Hurt beyond words. Hurt beyond pain. They bid farewell, and the heaviness of her heart barely allowed her to walk up to her room.

She sat in silence, holding the box. In it a pen. The Divit pen. And Can's words written in paper. His words to her. His heart's first words written to her. To her heart. And the love she felt for him rushed to her heart with so much force that she could barely hold in her breath. She spoke with Ayhan, and filled with love and no longer fear went to Can's house. Her heart set itself on revealing all it felt for him. All the love it no longer feared to let his heart feel. But it stopped beating, for it saw Polen. Sanem realized her dreams of Can's love would never have a chance to measure up to Polen. Especially when she saw Can's expression the moment he saw her. And the fear of it all made her understand one thing. From now on she would have to be strong. If not her herself, then for her breaking heart...