A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

To have and to hold one last time...

Love is a peculiar feeling. It comes out of nowhere. It leaves one breathless. It overpowers all senses. And it never ends when it ends. It stays in the mind in forms of memories. It stays in the heart in forms of emotions that stay alive long after the love has presumed to have gone away. Especially if the love that ended had not had the time to fully bloom. Especially, first love...

Sanem fell in love with Can. She was fully aware of the endless differences that set their worlds apart in as may ways as possible. But she had not realized that Can fell for her as well. That he fell for her first. She may have made many mistakes and may have lied to him, but she was always herself when they were alone. When they were together. When the magic they shared pulled them toward one another. He was fully aware she was the one who kissed him that day at the gala. She hadn't had a clue it was him. And neither one of them knew how to go about their feelings, or how the other one felt. And neither one of them was ready to admit just how much they meant to each other. Or that they would not know how to face life without one another...

Sanem quit. That was a fact. As much as she was sure she would move on from working at the Fikri Harika, she was sure her heart would not move on from Can. The moment her heart fell for Can, it stayed with Can. And she would not know how to take it back. She wasn't sure she could. She wasn't sure she would want it to. He was her love. Her first love. She hoped he felt the same but did not know if it would scare her more if he did not or if he did. The moments they spent together made her realize that he made her feel like she was someone special. If only for a moment. If only for a speck of time in the vast eternity of life. At his cottage, under the stars, by the embankment. She would not admit to him, but she felt him everywhere. He had her heart, but she carried a bit of his soul in hers. She felt him that deep. She could not help it. Thoughts of him swam in her soul whether he was near or miles away. The more she thought about the necessity of parting ways with him, the more she needed him to stay by her side. And that was something she did not know how to balance...

She stood at his door. Courage to leave or cowardice not to. Strength to face him or weakness to have to do so if only for one last time. She would have agreed to Deren's plea to help them even without Deren asking her for it. Even if it meant facing Can alone. Or maybe that was even better? If they were alone she would not have to pretend to others that he did not matter. She could look at him and would not have to pretend it was accidental. She could look at him for longer than permitted without having to explain why her eyes wouldn't turn away from him. When he opened the door, she realized how fortunate she really was that there was no one there to see her reaction. For it was the longest gaze she ever experienced. She was stuck, hung up on the beauty that was Can. Masculine. Rugged. Ripped. Zeus-like in every possible way. Only after a while she noticed the albatross proudly flying on his chest. The tatto that would always force her to reflect how strangely life had woven the strands of their lives. She seeked to find the albatross. He not only had one, but he was one. How true those words were, she hadn't yet a clue. All she knew was that nothing had changed. She was as in love with him as she forcing herself to believe she was not. No amount of denial would change that.

If someone would have asked her to recount the conversation they had then, at the door, she would not be able to offer even a word of it. Her mouth moved, but her brain was stuck at one single word. Can. Can. Can. That is all it registered. She was thankful to him to offer that they would go in the house and look for whatever she had come there for. The moment he left the room the air returned to her lungs. She had not even noticed she held her breath from the moment she stepped foot in the house. No, she could not have been more wrong. She was NOT ever going to get him out of her system. Or her heart for that matter. He held as much power over her as he ever did. That was crystal clear.

Something else was crystal clear. She got close to him. Too close. For she had met someone else that day. Someone who changed her life forever. She met herself. Or rather, her voice. Inner voice. Inside her head. Or rather, as much inside as outside of it. She was sure she had gone crazy. She had always talked to herself. Many people do. But now she not only answered herself, she began having conversation with herself - outside of her head. And that inner voice confronted her. About her feelings for Can. She had not known it yet, but that voice of inner conscience would always come back to her whenever she would get too close to him. And along time, she would come to gauge his closeness and his feelings for her based on that inner voice of hers. But for now, she was as surprised to hear herself as anyone would have been. And the voice told her just how much Can meant to her. And how much she was in denial of her feelings. Or how much she would be if she left right then. So she would have to come up with any excuse to stay.

That she did, only to have Can question the validity of her words. But he questionned something else. He asked if she felt guilty about her treating him the way she did the night before. She could not imagine how he was able to see through her actions so quickly. She did not know how to reply. So she lied yet again, to save herself if nothing else. She did become a coward, she understood that now. She turned to leave because it was pointless to look at him any longer and have to lie to both of them about how she really felt. But he surprised her. He reached out for her. Held her arm asked her not to leave. Not. To. Leave. If those words did not make her float back to him, she would not know what would. She stayed, and they worked together, in separate spaces.

If she had to be honest, she barely understood any word she read. How could she have concentrated with him so close to her? How could anyone? Could anyone? The times she gazed at him far outnumbered the times she looked at the screen of the laptop. She stopped counting the times her eyes wondered in Can's directon, and could barely count the letters she saw on the screen, let alone any words that made sense. She could hear that he received a call. Whomever it was made him come to her, and he asked for the laptop. She could barely contain her happiness. But he sat far from her, at the other end of the table. She begged her fate for any kind of a miracle that would make him sit closer to her. And ended up catching her breath when he did, because the laptop ran out of power. He sat next to her. Mere inches away. The only thing left to do was to look away. So she looked, not away but at him. And fell into a trance. His closeness only heightened her perception of him. She had always looked in his direction, but it was the first time she really looked at him. She studied him, aware that her photographic memory would take full advantage of that view. His hand rested gently on his neck, his concentrated eyes looked at the screen of the laptop.   What mesmerizing eyes they were. His beautifully tied back hair. His smile gave her goosebums. His hand caressed his beard. His beard. It made him look more ruggedly handsome than any other man on the planet. And then she paused. His beard. He too had a beard. He too was at the gala. He too was at the balcony in a box. Could he be the albatross she was looking for? This thought crossed her mind, but she dismissed it. If he was, he would have mentioned something to her about that because he knew she was looking for him.

When he was done with the laptop he asked how her writing was going, how did she write if she did not have a laptop? She replied that she wrote with pen and notebook. But she stopped, because she felt her writing would not make her a writer. Hearing herself say those words made her sad. But she hadn't caught Can's reaction to her words. He stopped taking pictures and knew what it felt like not being able to follow his passion. He knew how much that hurt. He hoped she would not give up on that passion of hers.

Sanem realized that she overstayed her welcome. She misunderstood Can's awkward words and decided to leave. She paused outside the door and held out her hand. He took it. But instead of shaking it, pulled her in and held on tight. All of her being let out tears of despair. To have him so close to her and be able to hold him for that one last time. Being close to him was the only thing she dreamed of, yearned for, yet she would not be able to hold onto him because of the mistakes she had made. When he held her, the world seemed perfect. She realized that this was the very first time they really embraced each other as a man and a woman. But being held by him hurt. Letting go hurt even more. She looked into his eyes. If only he could see past her mistakes and see only the love she felt for him. She would stay. Stay and let herself tell him how much she loved him. But she knew how much honesty meant to him. So she lied to them both one more time, and turned away as if the steps she was taking were not heavy at all. Fully knowing those steps she took were the heaviest she ever made in her life.