A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

He did not want her to leave...

What happens to a heart that moves on from the heartache of the very first love it ever felt? It is hard. Excutiatingly hard. Painfully hard. But with time, and a great deal of effort, the soul begins to heal. Life goes on. And the heart moves on. That is, if that heart is ready to do so. But for a heart that refuses to move on, the pain is multiplied by two. Because it is stuck. Stuck between the past that was, and the future that could have been. Between love and loss. And between the pain of yearning for freedom to return, and the realization that freedom would only mean for that love to come back...

Can ran through the forest. Ran as hard as he could. As fast as he could. But the morning breeze offered no solace for his skin, which burned from the pain he felt inside. That pain bore Sanem's name. And there was no way of getting over that pain. He did not lie when he told her that day at his old family home that she was everywhere to him. Because she was. And she was there with him now, in the forest. Between the branches of the trees, in the morning wind that wrapped his body, and in the wildflowers growing around him. He sat on the bench, but got up the moment his eyes came across those wildflowers. He was powerless against the desire to smell them. To touch them. It was a connection he still felt with Sanem. As strong now as it ever was.

Walking in to Fikri Harika, he fully expected Sanem to be there. He fully expected that seeing her would be gutwrenching. He braced himself against it. And then it hit him. Seeing her. Seeing her looking at him, made him realize how big of a fool he was. Who was he kidding by thinking he could brace himself against the pang to his gut the moment he saw her? He was a man that planned everything, and against everything he could. But he was helpless against the helplessness he was feeling. He still loved her. He still yearned for her. And he still needed her. He did not know when tables of life turned for him, and he put trust in her that he thought he would never put in anyone. But he did put it in her. And now he felt like she failed him and by doung so she ripped his heart out and left it to bleed.

She came into his office. Asked to speak with him. He explained he had nothing to say to her. That she had nothing to say that would interest him. She may have thought he was arogant and selfish to dismiss her pleas. Oh, how wrong she would have been in thinking so. He did it to save his heart, or whatever was left of it. Seeing her but being unable to look at her crushed him. Knowing she stood so close to him and being unable to hold her like he used to broke his soul. Hearing her speak but no longer hearing her loving words from just a day ago turned and twisted his gut into knots. But when he told her to no longer call him Can, that from now on he was Can Bey to her, and only that, it put up a wall that separated something deep in his heart. Something broke in him. And he begged his voice not to break. He had to thank Deren in his mind that she came in to his office when she did, and when she advised Sanem to leave. He did not know what he would have done if she did not...

Yet, as the day went on, he realized he had to go to the archive room. And he realized he had to brace himself again against the pain of seeing Sanem. Though he walked in to see Sanem with Ceycey, Ceycey fled sooner than he could have blinked. So they were alone. Alone yet no longer together alone. And that hurt. He turned to leave. But she stopped him. And again asked him to listed. And again he could not. She told him she did not take the money, that she borrowed it. The sound of those words cut at his heart. So he interrupted her. He said he knew. She said he could not tell her to leave. Because deep down inside he did not want her to leave. Damned if she was right, because she was. So right that he couldn't agree more. But he would not admit it. Not to her, and not to himself. He cut her words short. He told her he would not tell her to leave, because she could not leave. Not before she paid off her debt. After that, she could do whatever it was she wanted to do. That he would no longer care, because it would be of no interest to him. And he walked away...

He did so because he needed to. So desperately needed to do so. He walked, though he would have ran if it would not have raised any suspicion of those around him. He got far from Sanem, but not nearly far enough. He stopped. Hopeless and helpless. The tears he battled against begged him to let them come. So he fought harder. Barely loosing that battle. He held strong, stronger than he would have imagined. And for the second time he thought to himself that she was still there. Still as deep inside his heart as ever. And as much as it hurt, he did not want her to leave...