Reina [HS]

60.

TW: disgusting amount of cuteness lmao

Making decisions was hard. Possibly the hardest thing in life, but on the other hand, it's all what life was about really. Life was a series of decisions, ones that you made for yourself, for the people around you, for your loved ones... Decisions that made you question everything you ever thought you knew, and ones that gave you new beliefs, dreams, desires. Ones that provided you with lessons, made you stronger or maybe on the contrary, broke you.

They were essential, the decisions we all had to make day after day. Some were as insignificant as picking out your outfit in the morning or as trivial as having to decide whether to buy a new bottle of milk on your way home, even if you still had some sitting in your fridge. And some were more difficult. Such as the one that I was trying to make for a while now.

Family or no family.

Children or no children.

Following your instincts or being rational.

It made my head hurt, honestly. I was having an inner battle with myself and as time passed, the choice only seemed harder to make. I was constantly going back and forth, trying to come up with every single scenario so I could maybe make a decision based on that, but at the end of the day it didn't actually get me anywhere. I always had to realise that I simply had no idea what to do, I was as clueless as ever.

I tried asking Harry for help, but there wasn't very much he could do. He said it was my body and therefore my decision and whatever I chose to do, he'd support me. That warmed my heart, but also infuriated me to no end. I knew he was right, but I still wanted him to grant me relief by making the decision instead of me, it would be so much easier. That wasn't an option though, I was the one who had to figure it out.

We talked about it a lot, sometimes with the doctor involved or just the two of us, which somewhat helped I guess. The only thing that we both were sure about, was that if I couldn't get pregnant in the near future which meant the next two years, then that was it. We wouldn't try later. I didn't want a bad pregnancy and Harry didn't want me to struggle either. There were just too many risks.

So the question was, now or never. We had other options too, of course, such as adoption for example... but I wasn't sure about that either. I had no doubt that we'd treat an adopted baby the same as if they were our own, but on the other hand, I really really wanted to experience growing the mixture of us inside me. I wanted to know how it felt, I wanted to carry a little life under my heart and I wanted to go through that with Harry by my side.

I wanted to give that to him. I knew exactly how obsessed he was with kids and with becoming a father. It was always in his plans and I knew he'd make an amazing dad, from the second of staring down at a positive pregnancy test all the way to the end.

So yes, I wanted that for him. And I selfishly wanted nothing more than to be the one who gave that to him. The desire was very strong, but I wasn't sure that it was strong enough to rule out all the other things.