Reina [HS]

61.

Two months later
(The beginning of April)

I should be home already. I wasn't supposed to be here still, I should've left two hours ago. I promised Elizabeth I'd be home by eight and yet, here I was, waiting for the okay from Jeffrey.

I was in New York, tomorrow would be the first show of our ten at Madison Square Garden... and the screens weren't working. We had soundcheck in the afternoon and then we wanted to test out the visuals too, but as it turned out, there was something wrong with the screens and I couldn't go home until it was fixed.

I was tired.

Exhausted, really. I hadn't had a chance to just stop for a second in weeks. It was always something. I always had to be somewhere or had to do something, I barely had the time or the energy to even breathe anymore. I started to feel like some kind of slave, like I wasn't human, but I didn't know how to stop it.

I felt obligated to do the things that the people around me required, it was a part of my job. I had certain duties, stuff that I simply couldn't say no to and so I just clenched my teeth and got it over with. But I barely enjoyed any of what I had before. Being on stage became a task, I found myself faking most of the shows, putting on a smile and trying to mask how much I didn't want to be there.

Even being at the Grammys felt off. I was obviously eternally grateful for having the opportunity to perform for the first time ever, not to mention the fact that I won an award for it, but still... it didn't feel as good as it was supposed to. Elizabeth wasn't there and suddenly the whole thing just became work.

She missed my birthday too— well, I couldn't spend it with her. I was stuck in LA at the time, we started recording the new album and it took up every spare minute of my already busy days.

I turned 27 and I couldn't celebrate with her. It sucked. All I wanted was some peace, just the two of us....

But then once I was home, I had to realise that I still couldn't really let go of all that stress. I couldn't relax, I was constantly anxious, my mind spiralling over every little thing. It was awful and I honestly had no idea how and when everything became this much again.

A little over two months ago when Elizabeth and I made the decision of trying for a baby, I was over the moon. I was so happy, I couldn't wait for this new chapter in our life. It gave me hope, something to look forward to, something to finally be excited about. And then somehow it all started going down again.

I was hiding it well though. I tried keeping it to myself so I wouldn't bring down anyone around me. I knew I wouldn't have to hold out much longer anyway, after the New York shows I was definitely going to take a longer break. I had already talked to Jeff about it, how we were to get pregnant and that I didn't want anything planned for at least a few months. I just wanted to stay home for a while. Jeffrey wasn't very happy about that, but I honestly didn't give a fuck. I needed a break, whether he liked it or not.