Herophine - Short Stories

Flashing Lights (Part 5)

5 Years Later...... 14th May

'Hey baby, I brought you some flowers, I picked your favourites. White gerbia's, I hope they still make you smile like you did on our wedding day. It doesn't get any easier you know, I' m trying though, I swear I am trying so hard to make you proud. I just started a filming again, it's been busy so please accept my apologies that I haven't been around for a while. I got your letter, Felix gave me it on our Wedding Anniversary just like you made him promise. I was mad, I won't lie. I have loved every letter, card and gift you arranged since you left especially the new boxers because you knew I wouldn't take care of buying anything new. My pants were holy as fuck Jo so you saved my ass from freezing, thank you baby. But this letter was different, this letter was final and for that I am pissed off at you. You have guided me along in life even after you left for five years and now you decided it was time to stop, why! Why did you do that. I'm not ready, not yet, not ever. You shouldn't try to push me to live a life I don't want to have without you, let alone tell me to find another love. Do you know how much that shit hurt Jo. No one could or would ever compare to you, you ruined me in the most beautiful way and for that I will always remain true to you until we meet again. Just you and I, forever like we promised. I won't ever not come here, you know that right? Nothing in this empty world would ever stop me visiting you each and every month. I'm going to sit with you today, maybe I could read for abit, feel your head on my shoulder like before, I miss you Jo. I miss your scent, your smile, those blueish grey eyes staring into mine. Fuck, I miss everything we had. I miss the safety and love you gave me so effortlessly but most of all I miss the way I don't know who I am without you by my side. I have tried, to do as you said to live, laugh and love but only you. Loving anyone but you isn't in my plans and I hope you respect that I won't change my mind on that part. You just stay close by OK? I feel you sometimes or atleast I think I do, it's warm and familiar and so gentle but I know it's you keeping me safe. That's enough about me, I told you that I am pissed by your last letter so your in trouble OK? But for now let me read to you for a bit, we can sit here together like before.

I read to Jo for hours that day, well I read whilst leaning against her head stone, after placing her flowers neatly against the grey stone and planting a kiss against the name engraved. This so the only place I can be where I feel remotely close to my girl, it is my safe place, my sanctuary. For the past five years I have been given tiny drips of the woman I love in the form of letters and gifts, she even had cards saved by for special occasions such as my birthday and our anniversaries but this year she told me it was the last. This year I read the words that she carefully put together and felt my insides die at the idea she was saying goodbye all over again. It fucking hurt, the realisation that she was setting me free and no more of the unexpected items would arrive had brought my world to a halt. Nothing further to look forward to, she kept me sane even in death.

Felix had been the one to help her, I had no idea but he spent alot of time with Jo before our wedding whilst she spoke her words and he wrote them, she gave him clear instructions on what she wanted and when and that man had followed through with every one of her wishes. The respect and love my best friend has for my wife knocks me sideways, he truly adored Jo and wanted to suceed in completing her wishes to make her rest in peace.

The first time he gave me a letter I collapsed, I thought this was some sick joke, some way of him trying to ease my pain but when he told me how they would sit for hours writing and laughing at the memories she was relaying I couldn't doubt him or a word he said. He knew things no one else could know, moments we shared, conversations we had as he carefully spilled ink on paper for her. I have every letter, card and gift kept in a keepsake box, I read them daily whilst talking to her about my day. Life didn't stop, like she made me promise but I understood now her words more than ever. Existing rather than living. This is what I have done and will continue to do until we meet again but the last letter was final and her words were sharp. She had guided and cared for me for a time she felt was suitable, but for me it wasn't nearly long enough. This letter wasn't reread, I couldn't accept what she was saying nor did I want to.